Most of you are on Facebook, so you know by now that I did hear back from the Big Spring Marathon race director and ... I got in! I have to be honest, it doesn't feel *quite* right. I really want our children to be close together in age. But, the marathon is 12 weeks away. It's only 3 months. Just because I decide to run the marathon doesn't mean we can't stop trying, or at least not-not-trying. I have to decide if I want to do the Clomid-assisted trying or if I just want to hope that my body decides to act like a normal human body on its own (not likely).
If I could somehow make myself be less self-absorbed and devote the emotional energy I use to figure out my "issues" I could probably solve world hunger. I'm a little ball of nervous energy right now feeling ambivalence toward the decisions in my life. I want to start the baby-making almost as much as I want to put off the baby-making to finish my physical therapy sessions.
Plus, my grandmother--who we always thought would outlive my grandfather given that the old guy has had SEVEN heart attacks and is still doing daily crossword puzzles and complaining about the government's inability to do anything complex--has been coughing up blood and is suspected to have lung cancer. This shouldn't be a surprise as she smoked a pack+ a day for 30 some odd years. But I still can't get my head around this strong, funny old women approaching the end of her life....which makes me confront my own mortality and wonder what the heck I am doing with my life. Reading a great book right now: "Somewhere Towards The End," Diana Athill's memoirs of facing the final chapters in one's life. She's answering all the questions I want to ask my grandmother: What does it feel like to get old? Is it hopeless? Do you find yourself questioning your belief in God? Does it make you wish that you had lived your life differently? What were your favorite years? Do you miss your younger self? Do you wish you were dead already? Do you still love my grandfather? Do you believe in love? Do you believe in marriage? What do you wish you had done with your life? What are your favorite memories of your life? Are you happy? What do you think matters in life? Anything? Family? Passions? Books? Sadly, Diana tells me that while these questions never get answers and one does have a greater understanding of one's self with age, the big questions in life can never be answered. Is there God? What does it all mean? How should I be spending my time? My husband tells me I am morbid: too fascinated with imagining different scenarios in which I or my loved ones die. I love the histronics of it all, though, I reminds me that all this is ephemeral. Enough.
Weekly Mileage:
Monday, January 18, 2010: 10.2 miles (slow), BodyFlow
Tuesday, January 19, 2010: 1 m WU, 6 x 800 (2:53, 2:52, 2:51, 2:52, 2:54, 2:58) w/ 400 jogs, 1.75 DC (~6 miles) (feeling pretty run-down)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010: 75 min elliptical
Thursday, January 21, 2010: 1.25 m WU, 5K in 19:28, 1.75 CD (~6 miles) (legs feeling TIRED)
Friday, January 22, 2010: 12 miles (legs feel better, really slow jog)
Saturday, January 23, 2010: 10.2 miles, 30 minutes yoga
Sunday, January 24, 2010: 16 miles @ 7:15-7:45ish (?) pace
Total Mileage: 60.4 miles
Congratulations on Boston! Good luck as training progresses!
ReplyDeleteThat's alot of thinking there and sounds like a great book. I'm glad you decided to do Boston. 3 months/12 weeks is not a long time, but I understand how it is hard to make the decision. I still think the babies will be close together and I hope it is an easy time getting pregnant this time.
ReplyDeleteyes we are going to go running. I was hoping to go this weekend...but my usual sitter wasn't available and I was going to use my MIL. Too bad she took off for SC and I had no idea. So...maybe this coming Saturday?? I have to see what the hubster's schedule is but hopefully he'll be here!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your Boston training along with your not-not-trying to get pregnant. Both endeavors are exciting.
ReplyDeleteI think about those big things too, overanalyze or paralyze myself with the myriad of possibilities.
ReplyDeleteIf you try not to try before Boston and get pregnant, be ready for at least a bit of a slow down since your body will be very busy in the first weeks after conception. Make sure you're okay with that...Of course, I have a feeling that this isn't even close to your last chance at a fast Boston. : )
Congrats on your Boston decision. I was toying with #2 again and David suggested that we not think about it until Zach hit 18 months. Such a huge relief for me.
ReplyDeleteAnd all the questions you are asking - those are the questions that will literally keep me up all night. Wish I had some answers.
Enjoy the training (both kinds)!
you'll rock boston and hopefully be much calmer after!
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