The hardest aspect of going through IVF for me is to not continually lash out at my husband. While I know intellectually that he cannot control his sperm quality, part of me is bitter and angry that I have to go through this hell because of him. The shots. The humiliating doctor's visits. The months and years of my life spent waiting for a pregnancy. If the situation were reversed, he wouldn't hold me responsible for a bad uterus, poor lining, or crappy eggs.
So, not only am I irritated with him, I get irritated with myself. For not being a better person. For consciously "keeping score." For thinking...in my darkest moments...that if I had picked a different man, I wouldn't have to go through this agony. That I would have two kids by now. I sometimes day dream about miraculously remembering how to flirt, going to a bar, and finding some young man to give me the one thing my husband cannot.
This is not a pretty picture I paint, but it is the honest truth.
I find reasons to be angry with him and pick fights. Mature, I know. Some days, he will laugh at me while I try to find things to complain about. You didn't load the dishes properly, I tell him. Or, you have yogurt on your shirt and you look sloppy. Other days, his threshold for unrelenting criticism has maxed out and he snaps back.
I turn into a princess, demanding that he cook dinner, do the dishes, and give Nugget a bath while I recline on the sofa devouring the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" trilogy. I am the evil step-mother and he is my Cinderella.
I blame it on the drugs.
But in reality, I know that it is just my siphoned anger. I figure at least my anger is isolated and I'm not directing it at the world writ large, pregnant women, families, doctors, etc.
Just so you don't think I'm all zenned out:>
Man, I totally thought you were "zen" and then I read this post. LOL!! Seriously though, your honesty is refreshing. The big picture is set to arrive on Friday!! I will email you so I can figure out your schedule and either bring it by your place or E and I can make a stop at your work place and bring it by.
ReplyDeleteJust lost me comment. Crap. Anyway, I think what you are going through is normal. You are frustrated and that has to boil over somewhere. If it makes you feel better, I treat David like that and I'm not on any drugs.
ReplyDeletei was going to say what angela said...that i have those feeling about my husband for other reasons. the what ifs, you know?
ReplyDeleteSounds understandable to me, actually completely understandable...how does that song "Joey" go??? Pretty sure anger is normal. I'm sure with this he feels a lot of guilt too.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty. <3
ReplyDeleteI would be doing the same thing, so don't judge yourself or feel bad. It's perfectly human. I do the what ifs in other ways.
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