Lately, I've been feeling like there is less room in my heart. Like I am some version of the Grinch with a heart two sizes too small. I am convinced that I am the only forsaken one and everyone else lives these smiling, happy, perfect lives. The constant inner dialogue--or rather bickering--in my brain between the "good" me and the "bitter" me is endless. And, more often, I am finding that the "bitter" me is winning.
I took this lovely on-line infertility stress test the other day (and we know how accurate and reliable on-line tests are). Turns out I should probably be institutionalized. Or at least have intraveneous happy drugs. Or live on my therapist's couch. I swear I'm not exaggerating. They should have just labeled me as "certifiably kah-razy person" who is not handling the stress of infertility well. Um, are you really serious? Is it NOT normal to feel sad most of the time when going through multiple failed IVF treatments? Should I be estactically happy when people tell me they are pregnant? IS there anything to research on the internet BESIDES infertility treatments? (DO you know how many times I've googled the phrase "success stories after multiple failed IVF treatments?" Enough times to know that if I refreshed my computer every 15 minutes for the next three weeks nothing new is going to pop up.) Did the person that created this test EVER go through infertility?
Back to the original point of my post: not everyone is living gloriously perfect lives. As much as I would like to believe this because it would validate my "woe is me" depression and bitter-mean thoughts sprinkled upon undeserving prey.
CASE STUDY A THAT LIFE IS NOT PERFECT FOR ALL THOSE WITH BFPs:
My friend who got pregnant on her first round of IVF...and who I couldn't bring myself to call the first week after her BFP? Turns out she has a really slowly rising beta, had her doctor tell her at 5 weeks there was no fetal pole, only to reverse this diagnosis at 6 weeks, and has been continuously bleeding due to a blood clot. Not perfect. Not easy.
CASE STUDY B THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT EVER HAS BAD THINGS HAPPEN:
My other deliriously fertile friend who gets pregnant the first month she tries and even managed to get pregnant with twins (NATURALLY) the first month they started trying for #2. She's in pre-term labor at 29 weeks.
Life is not perfect for everyone else. If we ever do manage to get pregnant, life will not be perfect for me.
This is a horse-pill for me to swallow at the moment because I'd rather be this adolescent whining about how NOBODY understands my PAIN and NOTHING anyone else is going through can POSSIBLY be as hard as what I am going through. (Note Sarah McLachlan music in background.)
Sometimes we need to be like this. It is normal. And I know that life is not easy for everyone else but at the end of the day this is your life and if you feel shit then that is ok. It is ok to feel shit when it seems everyone else cruises through on easy street.
ReplyDeleteOn an aside I did the test I had 29 I am borderline. If you are sky high you do need some time out. Have you ever thought about just relaxing? Ok ok that was toilet humour.
Oh and love Sarah McLachlan. I love an Australian singer called Paul Dempsey that is my woe is me music!
hello...sorry to hear of the dual personality issues, I think what you are suffering from seems normal...just wondering if you'd tried acupuncture for fertility? I was just watching this video from our local acupuncture clinic, it's quite interesting: http://prodseminars.na4.acrobat.com/p28997527/?launcher=false&fcsContent=true&pbMode=normal
ReplyDeleteI hope you fin more room in your heart soon, I'm always hopeful every time I see that you've blogged, one day soon I hope to see "Success!" in the title... take care.
It doesn't matter if other people are also living the life craptastic ... it doesn't change how you feel. And it's easy to miss the crap other people are living through when you're living through your own (though I can testify that yes, BFPs doesn't make for happiness and certainty, not even at week 37 of pregnancy). I don't think you're a grinch. I think you're normal.
ReplyDeleteYou are totally normal, my dear! I try to remind myself that it's not just me or us infertiles having bad luck. But it doesn't make me feel any better. Sometimes it feels like the world is just plain effed up! I will be hoping that you are a success story and people will google you! :)
ReplyDeleteAre you in my head? Seriously, you're not alone. I can't tell you how little I feel lately. Because I'm playing the pain olympics and losing, having a hard time coping because of it.
ReplyDeleteBut then feeling GUILTY for feeling so crappy because I know I'm not the only one who is struggling - both IRL and in the computer.
It's a struggle and is really awful.
You're not alone. I wish we lived closer because I'd come over with ice cream and we could totally vent together.
Hugs sweetie. I'm thinking of you.
xoxo
I go through phases like this, but I always come around and realize some have it easier and some have it harder, but nobody's life is harder. And for as crappy as we have it, some else always has it crappier. Multiple failed IVFs does suck though, I know. And I don't even have a child yet, but I am still trying to find the positive every day. It's easier some days than others, but I think at some point you'll figure it out, but I think what you're going through is a normal part of the process. If you see my posts around new years, you will see I was feeling similarly then too.... I think it's always harder by the way when peopel around us are pregnant. I am breathing a sigh of relief as I wait around for the next wave of BFPs.
ReplyDeletelife isn't perfect, you're right. but you are normal and your feelings are normal and you're not a crazy person. hugs.
ReplyDeleteAlso, sometimes people who are all perfect and full of fertility now experienced horribly painful awful things at other points in their lives and are exceedingly grateful that for once things worked out ok. Pain makes you stronger, better. Think of this like a really intense hard training cycle. You're going to be one bad ass mofo on the other side! Hang in there, girl!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry things are so tough right now. It's true, there are always lots of stories of suffering out there, but it's pretty normal to be focused on our own bad stuff, too. Wishing things were easier for you.
ReplyDeleteHey RunningMamma!!! I don't get this protocol either. Sounds like we're still on the same path, but just a few days apart. I don't understand how protocols can differ so much either. But yeah for us! hoping this is it. I'm still scared and not really ready to commit emotionally to this. But I'm glad to have someone to go through it with me. Hope all is well!
ReplyDeleteIt drives me f-ing nuts when people seem *concerned* about my stress levels. As if there isn't any reason for it. Don't beat yourself up for how you feel - entirely justified, and feeling bad about it only makes it feel all the shittier.
ReplyDeleteAs morbid as it is, it does help me to think about others' misfortunes. I've had 2 friends lose their husbands to cancer in their 30s, another is getting a divorce, another lost a parent (plus of course all the stories shared here in blogland). Nobody CHOOSES to have bad things happen in their life, and some people get it worse than others, but that ... is life. Some good, some bad, and we have no choice but to face it and do our best to dust ourselves off and keep going. If they can do it, so can I, right?
Doesn't mean that you won't still occasionally find me in the fetal position. But I've gotten better about thinking that everyone else must have it better, or that somehow I am the only one who has it worse.
You're absolutely right. How can you NOT feel sad and bitter and mad after all you have been through?!! I had a similar situation to the one you mentioned. A friend, who was 39, and finally decided to put aside life and have kids, got pregnant on the first try. I cussed under my breath at how easy it was for her. Well, fast foward 9 mos and her baby was born with down syndrome - and let me tell you about how much of an ass I felt like. It's so hard to remove ourselves from the world we are living and while other situations like these smack us in the face and remind us that life isn't peaches and cream for others, at the end of the day, we still have to face our own life and own problems day in and day out which are very real. And while gaining perspective is good, it really doesn't make our challenges any easier.
ReplyDelete