This is not the journey I started out last December. Or even three years ago when I started this blog. Oh, to go back to those giddy days where blogging was about sharing my "success story" in overcoming male infertility and being active during and after my pregnancy.
This is the blog of a woman who at 32 has been told that she no longer makes any quality eggs and that she is the 0.5% of the population who goes into premature ovarian failure. This is the blog of a woman who is being told that she could try IVF but that she only has a 5-10% chance of success. This is the blog of a woman whose heart is broken and wonders if she will ever be the same again.
Where we go from here, I'm not sure.
Do we do one more cycle at RMA-NJ because they made such beautiful blastocysts? It would only cost about $8K because we have some insurance coverage and a friend was generous enough to give me her drugs.
Or, do we spend $20-30K and do a cycle at CCRM in Colorado or CRMI in New York?
Or, do we move on to donor eggs at $30 to 50K?
Or, do we move on to adoption at $10 to 50K?
None of these are good options. Continuing cycles feels like torture. We know it probably won't work. Should we just save the money (this is my ever rational husband's proclivity)? Or, do I need these cycles to feel like I got closure?
I was originally leaning toward adoption, but the more I read about it...the more ambivalent I feel. With adoption, there is always another family there...they talk about the immortal wound of being rejected by your birth family. With donor eggs, we would be able to have some genetic link to our child. But, there would still be that shadow of the biological mother. It is odd to be looking at profiles of women and assessing them on their personalities, appearance, etc. In looking at these profiles, I am looking for myself. And, sadly, there is no-one that has my unique combination of thin face, closes-et eyes, brown hair, hazel eyes. Let alone my personal interests, areas of intelligence, and college degrees. It would be selfish of me to not consider the impact of these decisions on my child...never to know his/her genetic mother, where he/she got the arch in their nose or their innate interest in gardening and biology, etc.
I'm not sure where to go from here and whether I am going to continue blogging my journey through this deeply private and painful time. Several people from this blog know me by acquaintence and one if a very dear friend. I'm worried of the judgement I will receive for these decisions I am contemplating and do not wish to be the whispers of gossip. I ask that if you know me in the real world, that you keep this secret for me, and make nothing alluding to my blog or our struggle on Facebook.
I would appreciate any thoughts about what we should do with our next steps. If we pursue another cycle, we should do it quickly because time is of the essence.
Hi, I am so sorry to read you have reached this point of "other decisions" and I understand how difficult this time of wondering must be. I know I have little personal understanding of being in your position but I figure if you still have insurance and access to your friends drugs, why not do one last cycle at RMA? I don't understand how people could "judge" you when faced with the above prognosis and limited decisions; personally I think you've been very brave to have put yourself through this much so you can have another child. I kind of get the "wishing your child has your genes" bit, but at the same time adoption means having a sibling/playmate for "nugget" - and you may enjoy witnessing another childs personality traits develop as well as being able to raise the child in your own way (to my mind nature and nurture BOTH play a huge part in a child's development)...anyway, I very much respect all you have put yourself through so far and wish you all the very very best in this next stage of decisions. Take care of yourself, your husband and nugget in the meantime, may you all have much happiness in your future - Michelle
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you as you go through these decision points. They are hard. And it will take time until you are comfortable with whatever decision you make. The good thing is (although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it) is that you have options. And many of them. And you will become a mother again, I'm quite sure, if that's what you want. I can't tell you exactly how I managed to get through the decision to use donor eggs (well, ok, there was a fair amount of crying and screaming involved), but I can tell you from the other side (where I've made the decision but haven't yet used them) that I'm now a little amazed that I had such resistance at one time. Of course, I'm not sure it's a linear thing. It might well be that I have moments of regret or questioning that come back at me in the future. So all I can say is that you will make it through to the other side of a decision about a path to go down next. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI'm with cherelli.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, it's so fucking SUCKY that you're in this position. I'm sorry, a million times over. I hate that you have to deal with this.
But also. I know, I KNOW, I espouse the "What Sucks Less?" decision making process, but I feel strongly that it's where you're at.
It's SO hard to make decisions that are fraught with so MUCH Suck. Because in the REAL world, you would have a sibling for your son without having to spend $8K - $50K.
Personally, I'm of the opinion that you should spend the $8K now and do one last cycle with RMA-NJ. Not only is it cheaper than the other options, but it DOES buy you time to get more comfortable with donor egg and/or adoption and/or being a family of three and/or spending $30K on a Hail Mary cycle with CCRM or CRMI.
You're right, you DON'T have a lot of time to waste. But doing a cycle with RMA-NJ means that you get another try. Which means it's NOT wasted time.
Just my two cents. You know I'm here if you want to chat, too.
xoxo
Well when I read your options I hear the angst...we struggled with each but knew we had to choose one because we had no other choices...we ran as hard as we could with five Ivfs and two at ccrm and still could not cross the finish line with a bio child. It's true that there is pain and heartache with adoption because loss is central to adoption but for us international was the best choice. As far as loss of genetics I am so over that. Suddenly when I stare into the face of our little babies I could care less whether they have anything genetically from me because they are their own human being wonderful and perfect just the way they are and I will do my best to nurture and instill in them the values that are important to me. I know it's hard but we do not--and cannot--think of our choice as the lesser choice. It's not. Different, but not less.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find peace soon because it is torture living in limbo. Hugs.
Ps above comment from iPhone so it's sort of full of bad punctuation and grammar! :)
ReplyDeletei'm right there with ya in the 0.5% with premature ovarian failure. its a hard pill to swallow. it hurts to be told that my body just doesn't make good quality eggs. i'm so sorry that your heart is broken. i understand that feeling very well. in time it will heal in some form and you will figure out your next steps and you will even be excited about them, but not right now. take the time you need to to grieve. its important. it sucks, but its important... closure is also important. it was worth the extra $11K for me to spend on this last cycle. but my dh was NOT thrilled about the idea. he wanted to move straght to donor eggs.
ReplyDeleteanyways, i feel like you wrote what is inside of my head on a lot of these thigns: adoption, donor eggs...
so just letting you know that you're not alone. hugs.
You are not alone here with this, I am struggling with these questions as well. I have come a long way in coping with these questions, I was very hesitant to make the decisions I did, but we all have to figure out what works for us. I would suggest reaching out to some women who have experience with Donor Eggs or Adoption and see what it was like for them. I also think this is not a decision that has to made today; I know egg quality is a factor with age, but another month or two to really process this information isn't going to swing the balance too too much. The counselor I saw regaring donor embryos was very helpful- we just went once and really went over the pluses and minuses of all our possible paths to a child. But, it is important to take the steps to mourn too.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew the right thing to say to you because you've been so amazing with my issues and I feel like it's the least I could do for you. I really like What My Two Lines said above. Your options aren't any less, they are just different. Whatever path you choose, I'm sure it will be what's best for you and your family in the long run, but in the short term it just really, really sucks.
ReplyDeleteI tortured myself. I went through 14 fresh cycles, only 4 FETs, and I think my RE would still have me cycling if I hadn't spoken to the embryologist and then told my RE I was getting donor eggs and that was that. It didn't matter so much to me somehow - maybe because of the torture I'd been through. And I wasn't able to choose a donor; a donor was chosen for me. I could see very basic things about her in a profile - no photo - but basically my RE chose and I had no say. One of the nurses let slip that she thinks our donor is a doppelganger for me, but whatever. I concentrate on the things I don't want to pass on: my mother and sister's mental illness, lack of natural fitness, etc. The only thing I wish I could pass on is my propensity to have healthy hair no matter what I do to it. But whatever. I decided to use an egg donor, and (knock wood) it worked. If I give birth to a living child I'm prepared to share with that child the facts of his or her origins. I'm fine with it. I just wish I hadn't been strung along for so many years before this!
ReplyDeleteThese are very hard decisions to make and I certainly feel your pain at being in this position.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, my two cents, is that I would do the one more cycle at RMA as it is less expensive, you have the donated meds, and you know that there is a great embryologist there. After that I would probably look at other options - but if you do this one last cycle at RMA you can give yourself some more time to make decisions.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best whatever you decide.
It's such a tough decision and I feel awful that you're at this point. I feel like I might be at this point soon so I've thought about it quite a bit. Have you thought about NCIVF? I've read stories that poor responders do really well with NCIVF. And, there's the theory that the one egg your body is naturally producing each month is the strongest. I know it's still $4k, but could be worth a shot before spending big bucks at a place like CCRM or doing DE right away. Thinking about you!
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain hun!! I'm trying to figure things out too, so I'm sorry if I'm no help to you now! Sending hugs and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks for finding my blog!! It's always nice to hear from someone in a similar situation. I look forward to following your decision journey from here, so I do hope that you keep blogging! However, I can totally understand some of the concerns you have. Maybe you could start a new totally anonymous blog? Whatever you decide and should you stop blogging, good luck on sorting out the options we are both currently facing!
ReplyDeleteYou've gotten some great advice above, and I wish I had more to offer you. It is beyond agonizing to be in a place where it feels like there are no "good" options, where every path available to you is fraught with pain, expense, and incredible effort. I am not yet at your particular crossroads, but I see it not so far down the lane, and can totally relate to your frustration. Know that you are not alone, and (hopefully) all this will not always hurt so badly. I hope that you find peace with whatever decision you make, and soon. And I hope that you continue to blog about it, for admittedly totally selfish reasons :) I'm probably naive, but I just can't stand the thought of anyone passing judgment in this forum. I wish for wonderful things for you, however they come about.
ReplyDeleteThere isn't enough room here for me to say all the things I want to say for you. But I will be brief. My heart aches for you. I wish that you couldn't go through this pain and I wish there was something that could be done to erase it. I am thinking of you and wishing you nothing but happiness but knowing that right now happiness is eluding you. So I will send you bucket loads of hugs instead. xxxxx
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