I would never say that I am an extroverted sort of person, but I love people, talking to people, learning about people, helping people solve their interpersonal problems. I'm the sort of person that talks to my neighbors, stops by my co-workers desk to catch up on their lives, frequently has lunch and dinner dates with girlfriends, rarely has a weekend with no plans to see friends.
Or, at least, that's the person I used to be.
Over the course of the past year, as we sunk deeper and deeper into the "IVF cave" and I felt the chasm between my struggles and those of everyone else I knew grow deeper, I stopped being sociable. We stopped making plans. I stopped returning my friends phone calls. I started closing the door to my office and stopped making eye contact with my co-workers in the hall-way.
Since we've gotten the positive pregnancy test, my husband has slowly been emerging from the "IVF cave," making plans with friends, going out of town for a bachelor weekend, and even telling people that we are pregnant. He is happy, elated that we are pregnant.
I still wake up in the morning sobbing to nightmares of miscarriages. I don't know how to re-engage with my life. I don't know how to start conversations with people that I stopped talking to last fall. I don't know how to connect with people that have not been through some sort of life harrowing, navel-gazing journey.
I am trying to reach out, but it feel awkward and uncomfortable.
Over the course of this journey, I have found that I can't really lean on most of my friends. Not that they didn't want to be supportive or didn't try, but they just said the wrong things ("you can always adopt") or didn't provide the support I needed. I find the list of people that I can depend on has winnowed down to less than a handful and, sometimes, not even they can make me feel less lonely.
I feel as if I am in a downward spiral of self-absorption and I don't know how to break myself out of the cycle.
Shouldn't I be happy? All I can do is hold my breath each time I go to the bathroom, expecting to see blood, expecting for this pregnancy to be over. Every other day I think my nausea has dissipated and think that I will miscarry at any moment. Part of me wonders if this will get better if I make it to my second trimester, but another part of me is terrified that this is my new normal: the fear and anxiety and depression and isolation will never leave me. I don't know how to pull myself out of this.
Hi Running Mama, I'm sorry to hear of the mental struggles you are facing. I have not been through your harrowing journey but I feel like saying...IT's OK. You don't have to re-engage yet, everyone has their own journey of recovery too, some faster than others. On the other hand, if you are scared this mindset will become your "norm", well, can you talk to someone about it? Not a friend so much as a pastor or counsellor or someone who can just help with "letting go of the past" (before it swallows you) and accepting the present and the future as they are/will be. I still am so very very pleased for your pregnancy; being fearful/anxious is unlikely to change the outcome -but at the same time I think it's natural to feel like that in the first tri, especially after all you've been through and read of others. I hope as you merge into the second tri you start climbing more into hope and positivity, it's certainly a much nicer state of mind to be in :) Blessings your way....
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you are coming from. I, too, lived in complete fear for my entire first trimester and while it started getting better during the second trimester, especially when you feel movement, I still panic about something going terribly wrong at the end. We are used to getting crappy odds. We are used to things not working for us. So it's what we come to expect. Sad and unfair...but true. You just have to keep mentally coaching yourself that this is going to work and try your best to shut out those negative thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of how to re-connect, I agree that this is SO hard. How do you just re-engage in "friendships" when these people can't support you properly during the worst time in your life? Are they worth it? I think it all depends....some people truly don't mean to be hurtful and if you can write off their actions as being ignorant, I say, reconnect. However, people that are just hurtful and don't really give a "F," (and you know who they are!) I say forget them. They aren't real friends anyway.
The biggest takeaway I have had is that even if you achieve success, infertility changes you at the core of who you are. I think we will slowly assimilate back to some type of "normal" (which is obviously more healthy than shutting out the world), but I know I will NEVER forget and I will always feel different than others. At least now, I can view that "different" in a more positive light because I truly feel I have more perspective and appreciation. I don't take things for granted. I realize I don't have control over everything.
Good luck, hon! I truly feel time will help heal you! And PS - I am still over-the-moon excited for you!!!! XOXO!
If you don't already have one, I would recommend a therapist. It will help you make sense of your feelings and to reengage in life. I struggled with mild depression when I was pregnant with #2 and I didn't do anything about it and ended up with ppd for about 6 mos afterwards which was pretty tough. I would think after all you've been through that you'd be at high risk for ppd. Talk to your ob for a referral if you need. Hang in there. For lots of us, pregnancy is a very high anxiety time in life and sometimes we need a little help to get through it.
ReplyDeleteBeating yourself up for doing exactly what other people who have been in your situations have done, i.e. had problems relating to those outside the IVF cave, is POINTLESS. Unfortunatley in our twisted world you are normal. Give yourself time. It won't be easy, but it will be easier than what you've already been through. So relax. Find some peace where you can, if you can, when you can. Don't push yourself to do what you cannot then beat yourself up for not doing the impossible!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're feeling so down...I agree with the others that you can only do what you can do, the feelings come as they come. Hang in there, treasure moments of peace with your little one (both in utero AND the little nugget!)and I hope those peaceful moments come closer and closer together.
ReplyDeletei could have totally written parts of this post about disconnecting from friends during the ivf process, realizing who you sort of could and definitely couldn't count on. in my re-engaging recently though, i have found my very few true friends (like two to three out of state) to understand (though none of them have been through IF) to be totally ready and willing to pick back up where we left off. people go through tough things in life and sometimes need to disengage--good friends will understand that i think. i'm so sorry this is a tough time for you! and i agree, you might want to mention it to your ob if you don't find it improving over the pregnancy, just so it doesn't continue into PPD and steal your joy during that exciting time (which I know, we are both desperately hoping will indeed happen!!)
ReplyDeleteI agree with what everyone else has said, too ... I had a hard time being positive until well into my second trimester. Even at times during my third trimester, I was sure that it was going to end in disaster. But it's important to try to experience those moments of joy when they touch you, because I believe that your baby feels them ... there is a chemical component to our emotional well-being. Therapy wouldn't be a bad thing ... at least, to talk with someone about how you're feeling, so that you're prepared to experience that joy when it makes its appearance. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI struggled with pregnancy anxiety till about 24 weeks, and i still worry a little bit now, although it no longer overwhelmes me. I found myself a good counsellor that really helped me maintain my sanity. my fingers and toes are crossed that this is a 40 week pregnancy with a happy ending.
ReplyDeletetake care
None of this sounds crazy to me. I've waaaayyy withdrawn, but on days when I'm stronger or the opportunity is thrust upon me I try to re-engage, little by little. Who gives a shit what you "should" be doing or feeling. You've been through hell, give yourself whatever you need right now. There's time for worrying about that other stuff later, and anyone who's worth it will understand.
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