You remember when you were a kid and you would race your friends to see how far they could swim underwater without coming up for air?
That's kind of what it feels like I am doing now.
Desperately trying to swim as far and as fast as I can, underwater, where all is silent and safe, asking please, please let me make it...not wanting to come up for air because the spell will be broken.
Supposedly, I am 9 weeks 1 day pregnant today. I had another good ultrasound on Tuesday and am still battling nausea, which is awesome in that it provides daily reassurance that I am still pregnant. I don't go back to the doctor until June 28th, which is scaring the beejezus out of me. It seems like such a long time to wait and see if everything is progressing as hoped.
Despite warnings from my doctor, I decided to rent a heartbeat monitor (http://www.babybeat.com/) to help me get through the next couple of months until I can feel the baby move. I seem to recall this happening fairly early with my son, maybe 16 or 17 weeks?
I am still struggling with anger and bitterness, and hope that with time it will dissipate as this pregnancy becomes more real.
But, it seems every day I hear about another terrible loss, further evidence that life is not safe.
Give some love to Built in Birth Control (http://www.builtinbirthcontrol.com/), who just lost her twins at 21 weeks, again. This is her second pregnancy loss of twins. It breaks my heart.
I'm so pleased to hear your pregnancy is going well; I'm sure as it progresses the journey of frustration you've experienced will be resolved but I know it's not a given (terribly sad to hear of Built in BC's loss); as you say it's "life" - not always with the most favourable outcomes. But here's wishing you every blessing and good thought that you will soon have a happy new addition to your family...keep it positive, have a great weekend :)
ReplyDeleteI hope you can feel reassured with the fetal doppler!
ReplyDeleteLis's news is devastating, beyond imagination. Life is so cruel sometimes.
There are so many reminders that this journey is not safe, the destination not guaranteed. All we can do is breathe, take it one day at a time, hold on to hope, and allow our friends to hold on to us.
ReplyDeleteThat's how I got through my last pregnancy.
We'll be here.
*hug*
i can totally imagine the fear and anger you feel. i wish i could help you stay calm through this. i do love the peaceful image of just being isolated in quite under the water.
ReplyDeletethinking of you.