I can't believe that I have less than 9 weeks until the baby is here! I made some good progress with preparations these past few weeks. I finally picked out the fabric for the baby's curtains and her bedding, got her room painted, hung some pictures, have all of her baby clothes folded or hanging in her closet, etc. I'll post pictures once I get the curtains. Etsy has been my primary decorating source!
Running Stats Week 30
Thursday, November 3, 2011: 9 miles
Friday, November 4, 2011: 6 miles
Saturday, November 5, 2011: OFF
Sunday, November 6, 2011: 9 miles
Monday, November 7, 2011: 9 miles
Tuesday, November 8, 2011: 9 miles
Wednesday, November 9, 2011: 9 miles
Total Mileage: 51 miles
Comparison to Pregnancy #1: 32.5 miles + cross-training
My legs/calves have been hurting again and I've been walking a good portion of most of these "runs." But, whatever, I'll "vanity size" my runs.
31 weeks, 1 day picture:
The big news is: my sister had her babies at 38 weeks. Both healthy.
And, I don't want to hear about it. I don't really want to talk about it. I'm sick of my mother calling me to talk about how my sister is doing. I'm sick of my sister complaining about how "uncomfortable" she was and how upset she was that her house renovation wasn't finished in time for the babies. I don't want to see pictures of them. I don't feel like cooing over them.
Big f'ing deal. She had twin babies and did ONE freaking IUI cycle to get them (THE ONLY cycle she EVER tried to get pregnant because she doesn't ovulate on her own). She never even saw ONE negative pregnancy test. One year after starting to try for kids, she has TWO. You know where I was one year after starting trying? I was starting my first cycle of IVF.
I KNOW I have no right to be bitter. I KNOW there are others that have endured more, for longer, and gotten less in return. I KNOW. And, I hate myself for being bitter. For not being able to just SUCK IT UP and accept LIFE AIN'T FAIR and stop throwing a tantrum like a freaking 2 year old. I try to mask it. I try to act happy for her.
But, I'm not.
I'm jealous and angry.
I'm jealous of the ease with which she conceived. I'm angry that she doesn't seem to appreciate how easy it was for her. I'm angry that everyone is acting like this is a BIG DEAL and that she is a SAINT for having twins. I'm angry that her twins are detracting attention from the baby girl I worked SO F'KING HARD to conceive. I'm angry that people feel sorry for my sister since her house renovation isn't complete in time to take the babies home. That's a f PAPER CUT in terms of life's challenges.
I am ANGRY that instead of being sympathetic about how her pregnancy might have been hard for me....she instead was ANGRY that I wasn't happy for her and she "didn't want to feel apologetic for being pregnant." I'm ANGRY that I am the one that has to SUCK IT UP and BE THE BETTER person and be nice to her. AGAIN. I'm angry that the ONE time in my life that I was really dealing with a CRISIS she couldn't turn the other cheek.
Like I did time and time again when her eating disorder and alcoholism impacted me. Like I did when she blatantly lied about said eating disorder and alcoholism. Like I did when she screamed at me at my other sister's wedding for trying to get her to "ease up on the drinking" so she wouldnt' slur her way through the matron of honor speech. Like I did when she lied about leaving her husband (last summer). Like I did when she told me that she cheated on her husband.
I need some tough love folks. Tell me to grow up. Tell me how to get perspective. Tell me where I can stuff these feelings. Because I hate being such a bitter, petty person.
i hope some of this eases up for you once you have your baby girl in your arms. 9 more weeks...by then you won't even hear what they're saying about her, it will all (to you at least) be about you and your family. good luck.
ReplyDeleteBefore starting I gotta say - you look just awesome; congrats on your running mileage too. As far as anger, remember - you are pregnant so hormones will enhance some emotions, it's ok to be mad. In fact I totally GET your anger and when I put myself in your shoes and allow myself to think how I'd feel it would be extreme anger and jealousy and frustration. I have had an issue with my sister for many years and it turned out best for us living in different countries! Although in the last year I finally started trying to accept her and be proud of her capabilities and what she has done with her life - that helped a bit, we get along great at the moment. My brother on the other hand has a terrible drug past - as does his fiancee, they are bother kinda "screwed up" from so many years of messing with drugs but are now trying to "be normal people"...and then she gets pregnant and has a beautiful baby and still smokes, and my brother is behaving like a bum and...they have what I don't. It makes me mad. So, in preparation for seeing them in a few weeks I am trying to let their past be in the past, and try to be proud of them for digging themselves out of addiction (almost 3yrs now) and telling myself to ACCEPT them for who they are (so I don't judge and blow up on them)...that's my deal though. I think your anger is fine but perhaps try to divert it or allow yourself to be distracted by something positive (sun, toddler, hubby, birds, running etc) so it doesn't eat you up...oh, and just put up boundaries with your mum and tell her you need "time out" from sister news or even seeing your sister...one day you may come to be ok with it all but now isn't that time so just let it/her be, focus on how soon you will be with your own girl - 9 weeks or less, yahoo!
ReplyDeleteActually I am not going to give you some tough love because reading through the whole of your blog post I feel that you do deserve to be a little angry. It is important that you don't let the anger cloud everything else but I can understand why you are hurt and annoyed that she is making a big deal out of trivial things. I kind of understand why it is annoying that she succeeded on her first IUI and then got twins but from what you have just told me the luckiest person out of all of this will be your son and your baby girl. Because they will never have to deal with the hot mess she can become and will have a mother that loves them unconditionally and forever. Stay strong (and don't over do it!!) xxoxox
ReplyDeleteI've got no advice for you. If you can't vent your anger on your blog, where can you vent it? Relationships with sisters are super complicated even without all the other complications in you and your sister's relationship. My sister and I have a great relationship with little drama and even then I think there is often pettiness and jealousy. And honestly, even though your sister got lucky with the fertility issues, it sounds like she's a hot mess in other areas of her life where you've totally got it together.
ReplyDeleteI'm not gonna tell you to you to suck it up. It's ok to feel this way. I'm sorry to hear that you have had to mother your sister in some ways and she doesn't seem to appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, life isn't fair, we know this.. But it doesn't mean it still doesn't irritate you or make you angry.. Let it out here and then when you see her, maybe just focus on your two new niece/nephews and them, as opposed to her.
By the way, you look amazing.. I feel like I'm gonna be that big in like 5 weeks...lol!
Here's my assvice: pound out that bitterness on the runs. Get it out there, allow those thoughts to happen during those runs when you are doing something physical to let it out, and then say: no more. Don't let them invade other precious spaces of your life, this is such a happy time for you. I'm sorry things are tough with your sister, but I agree with PP, focus on those beautiful babies and your own upcoming arrival!
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to tell you to suck it up, either. We feel what we feel ... it's human. I could tell you what my Buddhist monk said ... that we get angry or bitter or upset because we lose perspective and see ourselves as just ourselves (instead of as beings that are completely connected to the rest of the world) ... that we put too much "I" in our thoughts ... but since I haven't figure out how to live that way yet, I hardly ought to be telling you.
ReplyDeleteYou, BTW, look MARVELOUS.