Judgy McJudgerson

After a nail biting weekend waiting for the results of the MRI, I was irritated to learn that my results came back higher than normal, but still below the threshold indicating that I have adenomyosis. I was relieved that I didn’t have to endure months of treatments and possibly surgery to deal with adenomyosis…but I really wish my doctor could have just told me this over the phone last Thursday rather than making me wait until Monday AND having me drive to the clinic (1.5 hour round-trip) to deliver the results in person. Given that I have limited time at work, I hate to give up 3 hours of work to go to an unnecessary doctor appointment.


So, this means that I can start my 6th IVF cycle as soon as I get my period after I finish my pills on Thursday.

I have told not a soul…just you all on the internet…that I am doing a cycle. When we were first debating whether we would do another cycle, I tried talking about it with some close friends, but they expressed strong opinions. Some thought that 3 kids was too many, too excessive. Others were concerned about how hard this process was to get Baby Girl and didn’t want to see me get lost in the morass of IVF again. They want to know WHY I want to do this again and are worried that I am doing it just because I am stubborn or want to beat infertility or just don’t know how to NOT do IVF. I wish I could say that these were not possible truths about me. But, they are. I also know that we love having kids and don’t want to have regrets about not trying for a third. I have a million reasons not to try for another. I am just starting to hit some good (not great) paces at the track. I don’t know how I would manage a career switch with 3 kids or even a career at all. I just can’t think about it. I’m such a planner…always thinking about everything. But, I’m sick of it. I’m just going to try and see what happens. Maybe after 1 cycle, I’ll think I’ve done enough, tried enough, and am really ready to move forward with my life rather than being in this waiting place. Maybe after 1 cycle, I’ll realize how much I want another child and that I am willing to put my body and family through IVF as many times as necessary to have a third child (biological or not).

I will tell you that these past few weeks on hormones has not been fun. And, the I’m slowly started to be weighed down by this process, the appointments, the fear, etc. I’ve spend the past 5 days spending as much time on the couch as possible as I just don’t have the physical and emotional energy to do much else. I’ve resumed comfort eating, which I did when cycling before. Lots of grilled cheese sandwiches, hot dogs, carbs, ice-cream. I just don’t have the appetite for leafy vegetables or cooking or thinking about cooking. Don’t know whether that is a symptom of the drugs or just melancholy.

I have decided, though, not to tell anyone. Not my mother. Not my friends (except for my bloggy friends!). I am not going to deal with their doubts as well as my own. For the first time in my life, I really don’t feel the need to gather opinions about what I should do. I’m making this choice on my own. This is my life.