I would like to say I handled it well.
I didn't cry at first. As my heart pounded in my mouth and my quivering hands tried to open the pregnancy test, I kept warning myself...do not hope...do not hope. Only one line appeared. I have taken this damn test enough to know that if the second line doesn't appear immediately, it's not going to come. My daughter was crying faintly in the background, so I threw away the test, picked her up and headed downstairs to play with Baby Girl and read the paper. Two hours passed without a tear.
And then...the rage... the anger...the bitterness. I picked a nice fight with my husband over buying new shoes for my son. The day was ruined. I cried for hours. I went on a 9.5 mile run. Took a nap because I was exhausted from crying. Went to the grocery store. A walking human zombie.
I hate this. I try to not hate my life. I have so much to be thankful for. But, I am so fucking bitter to be doing this again. Why can't I let this third baby go and just be done?
Agggggh, so sorry. In a way I believe that there is a dilemma for every mum about when to stop having kids; it means accepting a phase of your life has passed ( a friend of mine is struggling with this realisation) - the childbearing years. I'm not saying this is necessarily an issue but...at some point you can make a choice - to put your head down and push through with your goal...or move on and save yourself (and family) the stress which evolves from the process....not that i mean to sound like I'm falling on one side of the fence or the other, but it sounds like the bitterness just eats you up and spits you out and sometimes I wonder if that would be worth it for me - as you say life is so good in so many other ways...best wishes - and enjoy exercising your butt off.
ReplyDeleteBummer. I was really hoping you'd be posting good news. We're trying for #3 as well...our daughter's were born right around the same time. I'm in the 2ww now, but I doubt I'll be getting good news either. I try to remind myself that I'm so blessed to have my son & daughter and that if it's meant to happen, it will. It sounds like you have a great plan lined up though to move forward. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteyuck. if you do go to cornell, be aware that they "close" around the holidays and so probably wouldn't start you in december.
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry for the BFN. Running helps--as you well know. Take care.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to chime in that I know how you feel too...trying for #3 and not sure if/how I'll be able to let go of the journey if the treatments don't work. I wish I had some advice, because then that would mean that I had a clear picture of what I'm willing to do and when I'll say that it's enough. It just sucks not to be able to have the control that we'd like.
ReplyDeleteHugs hon.
ReplyDeleteThe heart wants what it wants.
xoxo
So sorry. Hope you have put on your running shoes and pounded out a little bit of your sadness and frustration.
ReplyDeleteCatching up. I am so sorry ... and honestly, you have every right to be upset. First baby, third baby ... it's still dream deferred. Your heart hurts, and it's OK to tend to it, and to let others tend to you.
ReplyDelete*hug*