I'm not a patient person. I hate waiting. I've done a lot of waiting in the past seven years since we stopped birth control and started to try for our family. Unfortunately, practice hasn't improved my ability to deal with the anxiety caused by waiting.
I'm on cycle day 22 of my second cycle since Mackenzie was born. The first cycle doesn't even count, though, because that period was induced by Provera. I STILL haven't ovulated. I've been spending two hours a day every other day driving to the clinic, waiting to be seen, being poked and prodded just to confirm that nope...my ovaries suck and they refuse to grow. I have one follicle that is taking its own sweet time growing to the 20 mm minimum requirement for trigger. I'm at 17.9 today. But, it's only been growing about a maximum of 1 mm a day. At this rate, I might finally be at 20 mm by cycle day 24, which will be a 38 day cycle. Fucking forever.
Every time I go to the clinic I end up having a terrible day. I'm reminded that just seven months ago, I left that clinic pregnant with twins. And now I'm back at ground zero. Doing IVF again.
Some days I think we HAVE to do IVF again. We HAVE to have another child. Our redemption. I worry that in two or ten or twenty years we will regret not having more children. I know that there are no replacement children, but I do think people that have lost a baby find salve in a "rainbow" baby. A tangible evidence that if the pain of loss hadn't happened, this new child or addition to the family would not exist.
Other days I am so fucking tired of this process that I just want to stop. Move forward with my life. Enjoy my two healthy happy children. Let go of all the pain that trying entails.
In other exciting news:
I am taking a year long leave of absence from my job! I am loving not having the pressure of work or worrying about when I will go back to work. And, honestly, being away from it....I just don't want to be there at all right now and being with my daughter and helping my son with his behavior and speech (which are big issues right now) is a big deal. Plus, it opens space in my brain to think about other things that might bring me greater happiness in life than my current job. We shall see.
So jealous of the LOA... I would LOVE to do that! We have a program at work that allows us to bank 1/4 of our salary for four years, then take the 5th year off at full pay. I've been debating signing myself up. I could accomplish so much in that year!
ReplyDeleteI felt exactly as you do for a long, LONG time. Conflicted... wanting to try, wanting to stop. I wish I could tell you which way to go, but for me, stopping and getting off of that ttc train could only happen when I finally felt like we had done everything we could, and continuing to work at it would have been too much of a strain on me personally, and on my relationship. That point is different for each of us. You'll know when it's time to call it quits. That's the best I have to offer. Hugs to you... it's a difficult spot to be in.
I am so, so glad that your job is granting you a leave of absence. From everything I've read here, that will be an important gift for you.
ReplyDeleteRemember that sometimes the answers come not in the active searching, but also in the quiet times. Breathe. Run. Go to yoga class. Be present to yourself, and just listen. These are things I wish I'd done more of in the past two years.
I know where you are, though ... and I also know that the leave will not necessarily bring peace of mind. Abiding with you.
It's hard to know what to do, how far to push it, and if and when.
ReplyDeleteWaiting sucks.