More Room in My Heart: Box of Drugs

Monday, June 10, 2013

Box of Drugs

My IVF drugs arrived on Thursday.

I've been in a fucking pissy mood ever since.

I don't want to do IVF again.

I don't want to be a crazy hormonal bitch.

I don't want to have to stick myself with needles.

I don't want to have to stress about whether I will get pregnant and how many cycles I can endure and how much all of this is going to cost.

I don't want to have to put all vacation plans on hold permanently until we know when our cycles will be.

I don't want to have to face the fact that my fucking baby died and now I have to do all this shit over again.

I've even managed to mess up my protocol. I was supposed to start the estrogen patch TODAY not YESTERDAY. I hope I haven't already screwed everything up.

I miss my baby. I wish he was still in my belly getting ready to come out in a few weeks. I wish I was starting to buy little baby boy summer clothes. I wish I was getting all of the baby gear out again. I wish my life was moving forward rather than standing still. Again.

4 comments:

Catwoman73June 10, 2013 at 9:09 AM
Oh sweetie... I'm so sorry you have to do this all again. Are you sure you're ready? It has to be terribly emotional. Huge hugs to you...
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cherelliJune 10, 2013 at 6:00 PM
Hmmm, can you give yourself just a couple of months to move forward before standing still again?
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AnonymousJune 10, 2013 at 6:08 PM
It's so fucked up. I'm sorry.

I just called and cancelled my appointment. There's no point me going to my clinic until we've had a shit-ton of other appointments and tests and things, and they're weeks/months away.

I just want to scream and cry.
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MyTwoLinesJune 11, 2013 at 3:17 PM
Oh the big box of meds. I know how overwhelming it all seems, and of course it shouldn't be this way at all. You shouldn't have to be facing this, and I'm sorry. Sending you strength.
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Our Infertility Journey

Aug 2013: IVF#10: Antagonist protocol with estrogen priming at Same Big Clinic: 8 eggs, 3 mature, 2 fertilized, 2 3-day 7-cell and 8-cell transferred.

Jun 2013: IVF#9: BFN: Antagonist protocol with estrogen priming at Same Big Clinic: 9 eggs, 5 mature, 4 fertilized, 2 3-day 8-cell transferred.

Apr 2013: My son Mackenzie Ryan died at 22 weeks 1 day due to a degenerative placenta. I delivered him on April 3, 2013. It was the most horrific experience of my life.

Feb 2013: Major car accident likely damaged placenta.

Jan 2013: Our little twin left this world.

Nov 2012: IVF#8: BFP: Antagonist protocol with estrogen priming at Same Big Clinic (Clinic #3): 15 eggs, 10 mature, 9 fertilized, 1 8-cell and 1 7-cell transferred

Sept 2012: IVF#7: BFN: Antagonist protocol at Same Big Clinic (Clinic #3): 5 eggs, 4 mature, 1 fertilized, 1 9-cell transferred

Dec 2011: Hello Baby Girl! No year of "magical thinking" this time. We know no way and no how are we ever going to get knocked up naturally. Begin the weaning process in June. Take Provera in July. Fail. Move on to bcp and *finally* get period in August.

Apr/May 2011: IVF#6: BFP! Antagonist protocol with Estrogen Priming at Big Clinic (Clinic #3): 6 eggs, 4 mature, 2 fertilized, 2 3-day 8-cell and 7-cell transferred.

Mar/Apr 2011: HSG (again) and estrogen priming; Month of my Amazing 18 Antral Follicle Count

Feb/Mar 2011: Natural IUI: BFN: Pretty sure this is going to be negative, but what the heck.

Jan/Feb 2011: IVF#5: BFN: Antagonist protocol at RMA-NJ, (6 eggs, 5 mature, 4 fertilized, 2 day-5 hatching blasts transferred, 1 day-6 blast frozen)

Dec 2010: Meet with multiple doctors (RMA, SIRM-NY, Cornell). Start adoption paperwork. Begin accupuncture.

Nov 2010: IVF #4: BFN (Microdose Lupron Flare Protocol, 8 eggs, 4 mature, 4 fertilized, 1 Day 5 blastocyst & 2 Day 5 morulas transferred, none frozen)

Oct 2010: Treat mild, chronic endometritis (diagnosed in Sept endometrial biopsy).

Sept 2010: Testing. Why no implantation? HSG again (all clear!). Endometrial biopsy (endometritis:<). Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (AMH=1.1, FSH=5.7).

Jul/Aug/Sept 2010: IVF #3: BFN (long lupron protocol, 9 eggs, 8 mature, 5 fert, 2 5-day transferred, none frozen)

Jun/Jul 2010: Where is my period??

Apr/May/Jun 2010: FET #2: BFN

Mar 2010: Clomid/HCG/coitis

Feb 2010: Clomid/HCG/coitis

Jan 2010: Provera to bring on period; ovulate instead, HCG trigger, timed intercourse

Dec 2009: Where is my period? 13 months no period since birth of son.

Nov 2009: SA improved! 7% normal morph=normal couple!!

Baby's First Year: Breastfeeding, recovering from awful delivery, running like crazy! My "year of magical thinking" hoping that we get to be one of those "lucky" couples that don't have any problems getting pregnant with #2. No BC. No period. No pregnancy.

Nov 2008: Hello Baby Nugget!!

Jan/Feb/Mar 2008: IVF#1: BFP!! (long stim, 6 eggs, 6 embryos, 2 3-day transferred, 2 5-day frozen)

Nov/Dec 2007: IUI #1: BFN

Oct 30, 2007: Diagnosis: Male factor infertility 2% morphology; ovulatory dsyfunction

Sept/Oct 2007: tests galore

Aug/Sept 2007: 44 day cycle; visit obgyn; referred to RE

April/May 2007: Trip to Machu Picchu for my 29th birthday; officially TTC with charting, etc.

Feb 2007: Stop taking BCP; regular periods; not preventing, but not consciously trying