Never on Solid Ground

Today we learned that my husband's contract was being pulled and that he is only going to be paid through the end of the month. Then he's out of work.

Thankfully, we're always expecting the worst and have six months savings. I have faith that he'll be able to find more work or a new job. I'm not sure how long it will take and what cost saving/revenue producing measures we'll have to take to get us through...but...

I'm embarrassed to admit that my initial response to hearing this news was to cry. To feel sorry for myself and our family...
To think that jeez...just when we start feeling awesome about life, the rug gets pulled out from under us.

I know that ultimately we'll be fine.

But, I felt sad that what I hoped would be an amazing six months (unpaid) maternity leave where I could just luxuriate in the bliss of my happy baby and solely focus on getting back in shape, finishing up some home decorating projects, and enjoying life after the sucky suck of the past few years. My husband insists that I can still take six months off (I have three more months!), but I'm not sure I can enjoy myself while I'm stressing out about whether we have enough money to tide us over until he finds more work. And, I guess this puts my master plan of pursuing another career on the way back burner. I'm also not sure how we will be able to afford fertility treatments again if he doesn't land some work ASAP. I guess we could push that off until he has a job...but again...with my diminished ovarian reserve time is of the essence.

I feel like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I wish life could be struggle-free and someone else could worry about money and jobs and all that stuff. I guess I felt like life should be easy for us...at least for a little while...But, there is no karmic arbiter that balances out rough times with good times.

Tonight we went to the park with my son. We fought with stick "swords." We laughed as my husband wore bunny ears. A dear friend dropped off some flowers and a warm hug. Baby Girl spent the evening laughing and flirting with us. We may not have a job right now...but we have so much more that matters.

Time Flies By

And then my precious girl was 3 months old. I seriously could stare at this picture for hours on end. It just melts my heart. My husband told me I am obsessed. He even caught me looking at it in the middle of the night after a feeding. I just keep thinking...this time last year...you were an egg...you were one of six eggs...one of four mature eggs...one of two viable embryos...and now you are my baby girl.

Aside from my obsession with this photo, things are going well. Josie is still refusing to take a bottle...which has me concerned about the 200+ bags of milk I have amassed in the past three months. I am hopeful that when my mother-in-law comes for her spring break in April (she's a teacher) we can really focus on the bottle-feeding...like maybe not feed her UNLESS she eats from the bottle. Fun times for my mother-in-law She was sleeping REALLY well for a couple of weeks...only getting up at 4/5/6 am to eat and then sleeping until 7/8 am...but she's started getting up around 2:45/3 am and then 5:30 am the past week and it kind of sucks. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm hoping that she'll start sleeping again soon. I've tried rocking and pacifying her at the 2:45/3am wake up, but she wants the boob and nothing else will do.

I'm reigning in my initial "to do" list...and with only a couple more tasks to complete...I'm finding my vigor vanishing...I think I am afraid of actually starting the conversation with myself about my career. The easy thing to do is to keep doing what I do. It's a flexible job. It pays well (I'm not raking in the cash, but it more than justifies the cost of two kids in daycare). I just am afraid of not having a job to define myself outside of being a mother. I am afraid of being wrong again about who I am and what I should do with my life as this time it would have financial consequences for not just me...When I chose my grad school, I was on the fence about it and had a full scholarship and stipend...so it was essentially free. This time there would be the cost of grad school, childcare, wages lost, etc. But, I can't imagine continuing to do what I am currently doing for the next 30 years until retirement. Something needs to change, but I am to afraid to make the leap.

In other news, I'm in my 2nd week of regularly going to the track. I'm pretty out of shape. I'm no where near my splits or prior pace, but after taking two years off of training I shouldn't expect to be. My coach keeps asking me if I am going to train for another marathon and whether I'm "done with the kid thing." He says it jokingly, but I know he's serious. I guess I'm struggling to understand where running fits in my life. I want to run to stay fit. I want to be fast. But, I don't want to have my life dictated by a marathon training schedule...nor do I want to be gone for four hour training runs every Sunday. I trained really hard for Boston 2010...only to finish 20 seconds faster than I did in Richmond 2009. I guess my mentality is that I'm never going to qualify for the Olympics...I could train my butt off for years on end and maybe never meet that goal (for the record, I would have to shave 13 minutes off my marathon time...that's 30 seconds per mile). I don't know if that is even realistic to think about. SO...if I can't qualify for the Olympics...than what am I training for? And, the answer currently seems to be...to be fit, to have fun with other running geeks, and to test my mettle. I don't need to run a marathon to do that. A running partner pointed out the other day that I don't need to decide NOW whether I want to try and qualify for the Olympics. I still have four more years until the next trial. I think I'll just train for shorter races the next year and see.

And, the whole "to try or not to try" is still up in the air. I have an appointment with the RE to discuss next steps...or if it is even worth trying in mid-April.

Question: I signed up for the Resolve Advocacy Day....but seeing as Baby Girl won't take a bottle....I will likely have to take her with me for the day. Do you think that is really insensitive to the other women participating in the event? I would have hate me...."flaunting" my baby. Do you think I should just push it off until next year so that I don't have to worry about Baby Girl?

$1,100

We just got a bill in the mail from the NJ clinic where we have one embryo on ice. My husband and I have been going back and forth about what to do with the embryo. I want to continue to freeze it with the intention of using it for a FET sometime this year. I know there is a very high (probably near 99.9%) likelihood that embryo will never turn into a take-home baby. But, I can't give up hope...even though I know it was only a 4-cell on day 3 and the gorgeous blasts that proceded it didn't turn into babies. I just can't give up on it. I don't know why. My intention is to use the last two cycles of IVF that we have 50% coverage for under my insurance, the FET with this last embryo, and...maybe a couple of IUIs (for which we would have 50% coverage) until Jan 2013. At that point....maybe I will want to call it quits. Or, maybe I will switch to a different insurance plan where I would have some coverage again.

In our talks about a third child, I am often drawn to adoption. I've never closed my heart to this option and sometimes feel that we have been given so much in life that we should give back to a child that could use our love. But...sometimes I wonder if we would pass the "inspection" of a home study. We aren't a perfect family or a perfect marriage. I get nervous that we would be found to be insufficient. I don't know whether I am too idealistic and think that adoption would be a beautiful way to CHOSE to end our fertility journey...to chose not to get on the crazy IVF train again. I wish I could say that my husband and I agreed about adoption, but he feels strongly that biological children should be our first choice and we should exhaust that alternative before we turn to adoption if we decide we really want a third child.

Sigh. Every day this is what I think about. It is exhausting. I wish I could just make a decision about our next steps.

Don't worry, though. Every day, I also soak in my smiling girl's face and am so thankful that she is here.

Um, Goals?

I'm a planner. I like to have goals. A vision for the future.

Somewhere with all the infertility treatments and the inability to plan for ANYTHING because you never know what the next IVF cycle might hold...I lost my ability to commit. Because WHO knows. It's great in that it has allowed me to be more in the moment as it is the only truth I know. But, I worry that my current inability to plan for the future is keeping me in the same holding pattern that I have been in for the past five years with regard to my career.

The big indecision: Do we try again?

This affects a lot of my immediate planning.

Do I start training again?
Do I start thinking about a new career path?
Do I continue to sock away milk like the apocalypse is coming?

Every day I go back and forth.

Some days, I think TWO is the maximum number of kids I can handle.
I don't want to go back to the IVF hole.
I don't want to shoot my body up with drugs.
I don't want to miss any of this precision time with my lovelies.
I don't want to be a failure again.

But. Given the diminished ovarian reserve...time is not on my side. I can't change my mind two years down the road. I might not have any eggs at that point.

Which leaves me making the decision to move forward with IVF as a way to avoid the fear of regret. I've tasted regret. Regret that we didn't start trying for children earlier. Regret that I didn't marry a man with rockin' sperm. Regret that I didn't start trying for #2 sooner after I had Nugget.

And, I've heard people say that having three kids is hard, but not something they regret. Or is that just the politically correct thing to say?

I don't like making a choice out of fear.

But, as I don't know this future me and the challenges in her life...I don't know if she would be mad at me for making a different decision. I want her to be happy...

I also want me to be happy.

And, I want JuJuBean to feel like she got the attention she needed.

There is so much guilt associated with breast milk...I tried to feed my little Nugget for a year...but by 9 months he was kind of checked out. I now have a freezer full of breast milk for baby girl. I estimate that I have 175 5 oz bags at this point...so about enough to last about a month. If I keep pumping 15 oz a day, by the time I reach the end of 4 months I should have enough to get her through 6 months. Is that enough? Or should I breastfeed through 6 months when she starts her solids and then have her drink from the bottle (*if* I can get her to drink from a bottle).

All these stupid calculations.

I freaking just wish that I could just get pregnant like the rest of the world.

And...the worst: what if I stop breastfeeding Baby Girl...only to never have IVF work again.

I feel like I have this irrational belief that we know what works (Day 3!) and if we do that the first time this time...we'll get pregnant. HELLLO?! Did I not learn anything last time? There are no freaking guarantees.

2 Months!

Two months, people. And, she's smiling (in response to social cues rather than gas!).

It's not all rainbows and unicorns...

A funny little vignette from approximately 3 AM yesterday morning.... (to be read in jest)
****
Mommy wakes up daddy because she's been with baby for over two hours trying to get her to sleep. Mommy shoves, err, places baby in daddy's hands and says that she is going to sleep train baby the next day because she can't take ONE MORE NIGHT of this. Daddy moves baby's hands and pretends to be baby, saying "Don't put me in a box, Mommy. I defy rules and order." Mommy responds..."I'll put you in a box and tape it up if you don't go to sleep." Daddy turns and stage whispers to baby "Mommy's in a dark place."
****

Generally, Baby Girl has been a great sleeper with 5-7 hour chunks of sleep. About every fourth night, though, she will wake up at 1-2 am. Usually, I am able to rock her back to sleep without feeding her. Last night was an exception. But, the collective sleep deprivation of the past few months wears on me. Of course, this is definitely easier than dealing with failed IVF cycles and the unknown...as I know it can't last forever. But, it is irritating and some days I feel like I am just a terrible wife and mother because I am so freaking tired.







Baby Girl and her premie/newborn clothes
Baby Girl has grown a fair amount, weighing 10 lbs 11 oz at her two month appointment. She stayed on the 50th percentile growth curve for weight from her one month to two month appointment, which is reassuring. She has these delicious little rolls of fat on her chubby little thighs. Nugget's legs were skinny little rails, so it is so funny to have all these fat rolls and chunks to clean under. She's grown out of all of her newborn and premie clothes. I took pictures of all her outfits and cried a little as I packed them away. I don't know that any baby of mine will ever wear them again. As much as I long for her to be older and sleep more, I know how fleeting this time is and try to spend time every day just basking in her infant stage...sitting with her curled on my chest and clutching my hand.

Nugget has been quite trying this past month. He's been throwing more tantrums at night and doesn't want to leave day care. I know there are worse things than having a child that enjoys day care so much he doesn't want to leave. But, to be honest, I miss the little boy that would come running with joy whenever his mommy picked him up. Now, I pretty much have to drag him out every day.

In post partum recovery news, I have been at my pre-pregnancy weight for probably 2-3 weeks. I can fit easily into my "fat" pants. Now, I just have to lose the 4-6 lbs I gained while doing IVF. I'm running almost every day and believe that I have hit between 60-70 miles the past few weeks. My plan is to keep running about this mileage until I lose 4 more lbs and then I can cut back on the cardio. I'm eating a TON of food, though, in order to not wake up STARVING at night. Probably 2,800 to 3,200 calories? I was trying to count my calories to help with the weight loss...but somewhere around 2,4oo-2,600 calories I just figured WHATEVER. I'll eat what I want and hopefully the weight will come off. I've been trying to focus on eating REAL food and not sugar. I think I have a tendency to increase my sugar/sweet intake when I am hungry because I feel like I've already eaten my dinner and any other foods should be dessert ('cause dessert follows dinner). So, I've been addicted to eating apples dipped in large amounts of peanut butter as my post dinner snack. I don't think I've gone more than one day without this snack. I've also been doing Crossfit 2x a week. I'm still not convinced that it is a viable alternative to running as I am a bit of a running fiend, but I have been actually WANTING to go to Crossfit and craving the muscle pain that comes a day or so after class. I also made it to the track once and fingers crossed will be going to do a second long run with the running group.

So, that's the update!

I'm not sure what to do with this blog. Should I stop? Should I keep blogging until we decide whether we are going to pursue fertility treatments to try for a third child? Should I continue to blog as my personal diary to share with the few that are interested? Should I start a new blog and try to devote more creativity to it?

SIGH. I'll end with a fun smile shot of JuJuBean:

Still Here

I'm still freaking amazed EVERY day that we are here.

This is NOT to say that I do not have meltdowns at least three times a week where I am exhausted and don't think I can handle the lack of sleep any more. Being tired makes me cranky (er...b*tchy is a better word). Being tired makes me a bad momma to Nugget. But, I keep telling myself this will last a year to a year and a half tops. Less time than it took us to get pregnant with JuJuBean.

She's growing like a champ. Nearly 11 pounds at 8 weeks! And, occassionally giving us 5 hour stretches of sleep (knock on wood). Nugget is a rock star big brother and excellent listener (some days). I ventured out with the two of them to the Natural History Museum to see some dinosaur bones on Monday. The last time we went to that museum was right after the failed FET in Summer 2010. It was amazing to contrast my life now to then...and how much Nugget has grown and developed.

I've completed my Crossfit Foundations training. Not sure if I love it as much as running. It's hard for me to love anything as much as running. But, I am hoping it will help me whip my mushy body back into shape. Now if only I could stop gorging on chocolate and peanut butter (d@mn that stuff is good).

This Time Last Year

I am updating our photo album for the first time in nearly 8 months. In looking through the album, I am struck by how few pictures there are from Fall 2009 through Spring 2011. I sometimes look at pictures and can't place when they happened. Was that from 2010 or 2011? I remember events from Nugget's first year very clearly...but the years subsequent have been more difficult to place. It is almost as if I have some sort of amnesia for the 16 months we spent going through fertility treatments...as if I wasn't fully present in my body.

Last week, I went back and read the posts that I had written this time last year when I was in New Jersey for our fourth IVF cycle (third fresh cycle). I spent that week silent in a hotel that catered to business men in the middle of a winter snow storm leaving only for doctor's appointments and ravenous trips to Whole Foods. The cycle sucked as my cycles tend to do: only six follicles that resulted in two good looking embryos. Sitting alone in my hotel room, I had nothing to do but obsess about the cycle, our situation in life, and the hopelessness of it all.

I wrote some good sh*t. I guess I need a little melancholy to get in touch with my inner poet.

One of my favorite pieces from that period:

I feel so OUT OF PLACE. I have no friends, no colleagues, no business, no family in the region and feel as if I am conducting some sort of anthropological study of the humans here. Trying to figure out how to blend in despite feeling sorely misplaced. Which is really a larger parallel to finding my place in this fecund world where procreation is a choice not always a blessing. I miss my husband and, more than anything, I miss my little Nugget and his marker smudged palms.

While I feel less misplaced from the "fecund world," there are still moments when I feel ungrounded and realize how separate my perspective is from the majority of my peers. At the hospital with Baby Girl, the nurses kept making off-hand comments about "we'll see you next time" or "aren't you ready for a third?" Sometimes, I just smiled and nodded. Other times, I said that we had to work really hard to have our two children and the likelihood that we would be able to have a third was really slim.

With two children, I feel that my masquerade is complete; our infertility is sufficiently hidden. We have two children. Why should anyone guess that we had fertility issues? I find that I have become very private about our infertility. I don't want to offer the information. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed by it...but I am. To be honest, I've actually been avoiding returning to my running club because I'm pretty sure everyone knows why I haven't been training with them for the past two years. I just don't want to be the subject of whispers: "you know WHY she didn't run for us the past two years: she had to do IVF." As much as the judgement of others shouldn't matter and ultimately DOES NOT matter...for some reason I have become extremely paranoid about it. I know this falls into the category of "sh*t you are just going to have to SUCK UP and GET OVER." And, I know that will happen with time. I hope that will have to happen with time.

On February 2nd, 2011, while waiting for our embryologist report following retrieval, I wrote:
Dear Mr. Groundhog,
Will I get the news today that my winter is going to carry on forever? That I will never see spring. That our ability to have biological children is nill? Or, will I wake up tomorrow renewed, with hope for the future, and a chance for a child?
Please tell me, Mr. Groundhog. I can't stand the suspense. My heart is rapidly beating, I can't take a deep breath for the fear that is constricting my lungs.
********************************************************************

We were so hopeful for that cycle. After it failed, I spent the next two months on the sofa, barely breathing, never sleeping, defeated. If only I could go back in time and tell myself that I would be holding a precious Baby Girl in a year...but, had I not been through that dark period...I would not be the person I am today.