One Little Heartbeat

I was supposed to wait until next Thursday for my first ultrasound, but I was going crazy because I really don't have any symptoms.  So, we begged for an earlier ultrasound and got in yesterday.  We saw one perfectly measuring gestational sac and a strong little heartbeat (128 bpm).  So, that's good news.  As I was getting dressed after the ultrasound, my husband asked me if I was happy.  He didn't think that I seemed happy.  I told him that I was relieved, but am pretty guarded.  I was a little sad that there weren't two little heartbeats, as I felt that would be some redemption.  But, I know that one little baby is safest.  I've started running and exercising again, which is wonderful.  I miss my athletic self.  I miss being toned and in shape.  I miss being able to crack out really fast miles at the track.  I miss my running cronies.  I miss long runs and training for races.  I think the fall has me forlorn.  It is my favorite time of year to run. 

Third Beta

At 23 days past ovulation: 2537.
Not as high as my other cycles.  We're scheduling my ultrasound for next Thursday.....

Second Beta

My second beta was 1478, which was good!

Seems like things are progressing....

First Beta

Got a good strong beta today!

First Beta was 798 at 18 days post retrieval.

Betas with Nugget:
Beta #1: 632 (17 days post retrieval)
Beta #2: 1139 (19 days post retrieval)
Beta #3: 2331 (21 days post retrieval)

Betas with Baby Girl:
Beta #1: 866 (18 days post retrieval)
Beta #2: 1595 (20 days post retrieval)
Beta #3: 3122 (22 days post retrieval)

Betas with Mackenzie:
Beta #1: 196 (14 days post retrieval)
Beta #2: 360 (16 days post retrieval)
Beta #3: 789 (18 days post retrieval)

Beta #4: 2231(21 days post retrieval)

 

The few people I have told have asked if we are excited.  We are.  But, it is reserved happiness.  We are hoping to see a heartbeat and then we will just be holding our breath until the next phase.  I learned from losing my baby boy that I want to celebrate each moment of this pregnancy.  I even almost bought something for this baby, just so that I would have something tangible to hold on to if this pregnancy doesn't work out.

A First Step

Today at 16 days post retrieval, I was shocked to see this:

 

Beta on Wednesday (due to my own personal laziness and a family vacation at the beach) at 18 days post retrieval.

 

I still am in shock!  I thought that my symptoms last week were a sure sign that this cycle was a bust.  I should know by now that you can NEVER count on symptoms to mean anything.  Not really dealing with any symptoms yet, except a little constipation over the weekend.

99% Sure We're Facing Another Negative

I've been really crampy with loose stools the past few days.  My cramps were so awful last night that I had to lay down. I am crying all the time.  I can't believe that we probably have lost our last shot to have another child and am just so bereft that my baby boy is gone and I will never hold him or get to know his personality. 

Beta on Tuesday (rescheduled....).

Transferred

Those two little embryos that fertilized made it to Day 3 as Grade 1 8-cell and 7-cell.  In looking at the picture the provided, they didn't look that pretty to me. Part of me wonders whether they lied to me about the quality of the embryos (as I have been told has been done to us in the past).  But, I
just need to let it go because it is what it is.   What do you all think?  Looks like fragmentation to me.



In other news, I started my "trial run" class in Architectural Graphics.  I was so intimidated buying supplies for my class...tracing paper and "leads" and special erasers and sharpeners and drawing pads...I've never taken a class where I'm not sitting in a lecture the entire class.  There is something meditative about focusing on my work and learning a craft rather than learning an esoteric subject matter.  I'm learning how to erase, draw a line, hold a lead so that it makes even lines.  The class began with the professor showing us how to clean our work station.  For someone that always wants to speed forward and push my way through things, to slow down and take the time to ensure that I have a flat, clean surface...well...that's just sort of against my nature. 

Nugget starts his first day of Pre-K at a private school on Tuesday.  I've been crying a lot lately (drugs?) about the changing of seasons and the start of school.  I think part of my melancholy is because my big boy is growing up and going to school.  But, part of it is approaching the fall again, which was filled with so much anticipation and excitement last year when we found out that we were pregnant with Mackenzie.  I use to get excited about change and the beginning of the school year as a child, but now...I fear change.  I fear the loss of time.  I fear losing these precious stages with my children.  I fear moving farther and farther away from my once hopeful life with my little baby boy in my belly.  There is only one way but forward, though.  No turning back.