Bye Bye Cranky

If you haven't been able to tell by my last month's worth of posts, I've been mucking around in some dark and dreary emotional bogs. Questioning the foundation I laid for my life's structure (selection of mate, selection of career pursuit, etc.), my end goal vision for my life's efforts, and the ideals upon which I made all these decisions. I am finding it easier to fall into the mass-produced, commercialized, non-introspective version of accomplishment: big house, happy marriage, several kids, money-making career, car with appropriate logo, bling, bling, bling. Sign me up to be one of the mindless masses. I vowed to become some version of a Stepford wife: fully botoxed, brow-lifted, and boob implanted. Quit my job, spend copious amounts of time working out, and learn how to properly apply make-up, do hair, and select "cute" outfits. For, if I could become someone's version of a "perfect life" … maybe it wouldn't bother me so much that my life wasn't so.

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CAVEAT: Please do not take this to mean that I am disparaging of stay-at-home moms, rich people, people that own big houses, people that have had cosmetic surgery, etc. I am more poking fun at the caricatures of success promulgated by mass media, People Magazine, and The Real Housewives of XXXX, among others. Let's just say I've spent too much time watching T.V. this past weekend and there is a lot of junk out there! In fact, I do dream of staying home with my little guy, being able to work out whenever (once a running addict, always a running addict), etc. And, what's not to love about a big house? See how conflicted I am???
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Thankfully, the clouds appear to be lifting, as my husband mentioned the other day that I no longer grunt in response when he says hello in the morning. In fact, he said that I even gave him a smooch without him even having to remind me to use my "human skills" and express affection to those we love. (Admittedly, I am by nature the less affectionate partner…and become even more troll-like when in a funk.) I've also begun again to recognize the beauty in the life I have created: a husband who knows and loves me and can make me laugh hysterically; friends I can lean on; a comfortable house with happy colors; a career where I get to use my brain (well, almost 50% of the time). However, in going through all of this, there are some gleaming cracks to which I need to attend. I am not sure of the wisdom putting off this self-maintenance until we reach closure on our attempt for another child. I'm not sure I can pursue both at once. But, they are niggling at the back of my mind and I wish someone would straighten them out for me.

Enough about that.

Today is supposedly CD3. I got my withdrawal bleed on Sunday after quitting the pill on Friday. Interestingly enough, my improvement in mood coincided with quitting the pill…

I don't get the antagonist cycle. It doesn't feel real that I have started the cycle because I haven't DONE anything yet. No drugs. No doctor's visits. I guess all of this will change tomorrow…

The big debate this week was whether I would get up at 4 am tomorrow morning to drive up for my first monitoring appointment with the clinic in NJ. My sucky insurance company will only cover me for treatment at one clinic, so any visits to the local clinic will be entirely out of pocket ($350).

What do you think? Is it worth $350 to skip 8-10 hours in the car and an early AM wake-up call? I was thinking not…but then woke up to icy weather conditions this morning and groaned at the thought of having to drive a significant numbers of hours ALONE in this crap.