In my family, the solution to a problem is to find the person/event/thing to blame. Once the duely accused has been accurately identified, the issue at hand is considered to be laid to rest, no further analysis required. My husband believes this is an intellectually inferior analysis as it assumes that in placing blame the problem is solved. He also holds that this sort of logic fails to cover the "sh*t happens" category of life challenges and results in a lack of ability to gain "perspective" and move forward.
Over the past few months, I have been trying to conduct my own personal root cause analysis of our infertility.
The simple answer would be to blame my husband for his poor sperm quality. And, some days I certainly do that. But, that doesn't explain my "diminished ovarian reserve." I try to convince myself that I can still hang Fault on him because if his sperm didn't SUCK so much, we would have gotten pregnant when I was 28 and first "pulled the goalie." Thus, I would have gotten pregnant respectively at 28 with my first and 29 or 30 with my second. No problems. Life would be Easy Street.
I then take this sort of thinking one step further: my selection of a mate and wondering about prior ex-boyfriends and their progeny-making potential. Would I have a brood of Bengali-American mini-me's with my college boyfriend/best friend/love? Or, would I have outdoorsy, simple kids with my high school boyfriend after spending a few years abroad. This alternate life "sliding doors" fantasy leaves me feeling distant and guilty about questioning the life path I have chosen in marrying my husband. My feminist self chastizes for falling into the pre-industrialized world-view that my life's aspirations should be pinned up the potential achievement of my husband. The greater sin seeping into my mind is that my life would have been better without my husband. That if I could tell the young me in the bar the night that I met my husband that I should STAY AWAY from that charming young boy with the wry wit and golden tongue because I would be chosing a life with pain and strife. I am sure that my idealistic young self would say that "pain and strife" is found in every life path and that the more important selection would be of a partner with which to bear the burden. Older, callus me would tell younger, idealistic self someday I would find the love of a child more important than romantic love. That if I was asked between saving my husband or saving my child before my house burned to bits, I would emphathically choose my child.
Since placing the blame on my husband results in a less than appealing self portrait, I try to blame the socio-cultural values which provided me with the logic of denying the human body's biological preference for procreation in the late teens and 20's. Of finding value in establishing one's sense of self, adventure, and career prior to pursuing the nuturing of a young child's heart and mind. Even more, I find myself resenting that the stronger convention for me wasn't to get married young and have babies while I was still a baby myself. Why didn't I see how much "cooler" it would have been to be younger than all the old, ancient moms? Why did I think that my kids would like me more if I had an interesting life before they were born? Why did I think my kids would respect me and my time more if I had an established, interesting career and vocation? Why did I think that I would feel more satisfied with my life if I had these experiences prior to having children?
I find myself questioning the value of having a career at all. What exactly did I think that I was going to ACCOMPLISH with my career? Why didn't I know that the only thing that would matter to me in my life would be to have children?
At the base of my root cause analysis is the scariest thought of all: that somehow I am to blame. For not knowing myself enough. For not knowing how important it was for me to have a family and make decisions accordingly. For not having the foresight to see the culmination of my life's decisions resulting in pain and anguish.
I find it a heavier weight than I'd like to bear, failing life's game of chess.
I often feel similarly to this post! I can totally relate. I am always thinking about the what ifs and mostly blaming myself. You hang in there hun. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThis is a very heavy post--but you knew that already. I think assigning blame is a natural tendency but in the end not helpful--unless it points to a specific problem that can be addressed/fixed and then you move on from there.
ReplyDeleteI questioned my putting career/school ahead because my endo was not diagnosed until much later in life despite my suspicions and trying to discuss it with my doctor, but at some point I couldn't think about it anymore because it was useless to do so, and only caused me angst. There is relief in letting go of the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' because otherwise they could be endless and completely and totally life-sucking.
Your last line is so powerful--and I'm intrigued that you think you 'failed' when you have a beautiful son. Of course I understand that currently your family is not complete and that feels like a failure, but it's not--it can't be--it's just not finished yet.
This is complicated stuff. I'm sorry you're hurting.
you're in my head! get out :-) (lol!)
ReplyDeleteyou know, i agree, sometimes its nice to place blame, even on oneself. i like to find a reason so that i can try to fix it next time. but unfortunately, if it is truly our bodies that are now the reason (ie, bad eggs) then we can't really fix that, i don't think. so the blame then just turns into failure as you say.
but i don't think we should look at it as losing out at a the game of life. i wasn't any where near ready for children when i was 10 yrs younger. could i have handeled it? sure. would i be happy about it now? maybe, but life's too short to regret the decisions you've made. you are here, in this life, trying to live it the best you can. and you're doing great. you will find resolution to this 'root cause' and it will make you happier than you ever imagined. i'm sure of it :-)
Ooo, this is raw stuff. Personally I find it useless to assign blame - it's life, you make decisions, you get dealt certain cards and you make the most of it...however I can see when you go looking in the dark places it can be easy enough to see the flip side of the coin as you are above...a workmate of mine is now over the moon - after 8 m/c, 2 failed IVFs and only "unexplained infertility" they are a couple of months from seeing their adopted child. I have seen the pictures and she is a 4mth old beautiful girl who will now have a wonderful life with two people who value her...so, deal with the cards you have, make the most of your possible options - LIVE your life and be thankful for what you do have instead of looking for the gaps...good luck!
ReplyDeleteI see women who are younger than I am having children ... and honestly, I'm not sure that all of them are ready. After graduate school, and a career, I really *was* ready. And while it hasn't been an easy journey to have a family, I value them in a way that my younger, less mature self might not. I think I can provide for that family better than I would have. And while my career is now sort of up in the air because of the choices I've made to have children late in life, I wouldn't go back.
ReplyDeleteIt *is* easier to assign blame ... but I'm not sure it makes the reality any easier to swallow.
*hug*
Aw, sweetie. I do the same thing. Root cause analysis. I find myself AND my husband failing - him for making it so we have to do IVF again, and me for not being able to actually take an embryo and make a viable pregnancy out of it.
ReplyDeleteIt's an awful heavy burden to bear. And so not in our control - it's statistics and chance and so many trillion tiny things going RIGHT.
Hugs. I wish I knew how to figure out how NOT to do what we're doing. But? You're not alone, not at all.
xoxo
i just want to hug you, my friend. im so sorry, i wish things were different.
ReplyDeletei have written in the private blog, if you are up to reading ill need your email.
hugs
xoxo
lis
Such moving thoughts and so well articulated. I can completely identify with your thoughts - I have had them all myself. I consider myself to be completely overanalytical, so I totally identify with your root cause analysis. That is completely how my mind thinks as well! Like so many others said, it's not constructive to find or place blame. It doesn't accomplish anything or make anything better. However, for analytical minds like ours, it's extremely difficult to avoid. I think it is our search for WHY. Why is this happening and trying to find some sense of logic or reason behind the madness. Hang in there, friend. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are an amazing woman!!
ReplyDelete