Thursday, April 7, 2011

And so it .... begins? ends?

Three days early, my lovely period starts. Which means that another month of natural baby-making didn't work...despite great antral follicle count, clear tubes, and lots of sex.

This is the 10th cycle that we've tried to get pregnant naturally in the past 1.5 years.

Just one more failure for us.

I am so scared about this cycle that I find myself having a hard time breathing several times each day.

This is it. This is it. This is it.

I find myself wanting to order more drugs...we're supposed to be using my friend's drugs this cycle to save money...but this is the last cycle that either of our insurance companies will cover...so I feel the urge to stockpile drugs...in hopes that I could convince myself or my husband to do one more round if this doesn't work.

Despite having fully researched the donor process and found some reprieve in our decision to move on to donor eggs, deep in my heart: I want my own baby. I want to see my likeness in my child. I want a little fairy girl just like me with wavy brown hair.

In all likeliehood, this won't happen.

But, we have given it our best shot.
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8 comments:

  1. MyTwoLinesApril 7, 2011 at 7:50 AM

    I'm so sorry it is all so hard.
    I know this probably doesn't help, because it didn't really help me when I was still in the "I want my own baby" trenches but having held our two little Ethiopian babies they feel like nothing less than my own. I want this cycle to work for you so you can be free to be happy again--you deserve happiness!!

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  2. SerenityApril 7, 2011 at 7:53 AM

    I really, really hope that this works and you get your fairy girl.

    Keep breathing. One step at a time, right?

    xoxo

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  3. Justine LApril 7, 2011 at 8:51 AM

    I hope it works ... but I also know that whatever child you have will be a child of your heart. Thinking of you.

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  4. KathleenApril 7, 2011 at 1:28 PM

    I'm sorry your natural cycle didn't work. and i'm more sorry that you are up against a barrier here. i hate feeling that 'last chance' feeling. its so scary and constricting... and more than anything, i understand the urge to want your 'own' baby. i'm still there with ya. good luck... i was hoping we'd be cycle buddies, but looks like i have a cyst this month, so i'll be a few weeks behind you. sending strength.

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  5. AbbieApril 7, 2011 at 1:30 PM

    Aw missy, I'm so sorry about all of this. I can't even to begin to imagine what all you are going through. I'm glad you're my friend though. You have taught me so much about strength, love and perseverance. You are amazing. And when you hold baby number 2 in your arms, she/he will love you for you. :)

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  6. HopeBPatientApril 7, 2011 at 2:35 PM

    Ugh, I'm so sorry this is all so hard. Wishing you all the best of luck in this next cycle. Hang in there.

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  7. ChonApril 7, 2011 at 7:40 PM

    oh poo. i hate it when we get our hopes up that a natural cycle might work (cause you know the last billion didn't). babes you are a strong wonderful women who will do what is best for her and her family. But if you are not 100% ready for donor eggs then don't do it just yet. You make very valid points that i completely understand. love i hope this is it for you. xoxox

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  8. AnonymousApril 8, 2011 at 2:35 AM

    :-( I'm sorry hun. I definitely understand you wanting to use your eggs. It would be an extremely difficult decision to make. Whatever you decide to do, you will be an awesome mommy to that babe! You are so brave, and I have faith that you're going to get there - and soon!

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