Monday, April 4, 2011

Oh My Achey Breaky Heart

Today I started my vivelle patch for estrogen priming for the *LAST* cycle. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this will be our last time trying with my own eggs. I feel an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia in my world...as if the walls are caving in. There is an endless mantra in my head: I don't want this to be my life. I am a failure. I don't want to live with this pain anymore. Intellectually, I know that I will survive this. That I am not a failure. That I certainly wouldn't label anyone else in my situation a failure. But, emotionally, it is the only truth that I know. I have to remind myself of reasons that life is worth living. My little checklist for not committing suicide: That I don't want to define myself by this experience. That I don't want Nathan to think that he wasn't enough. That there will be other experiences in my life worth living for. Right now that reality feels so far away. Will this pain ever end? Yesterday, yet another friend told me she was pregnant. These announcements send me reeling. Another reminder that I am not normal. That the path I am on is one that most don't follow. Usually, when I am upset I call my friends or my family. When I went to dial a number, I realized that I had no one to call that could emphathize with my pain. I know no one that is where I am right now. And it is so lonely.
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11 comments:

  1. L&TApril 4, 2011 at 9:26 AM

    I'm so sorry you're feeling so lonely. I'm not right where you are right now, but I know the feeling of going to pick up the phone to call someone and realizing you have no one to call who can begin to understand your pain. It looks like I'll probably be down your way the weekend of the 16th so maybe a visit with someone who gets it despite somewhat different stories/paths will help???

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  2. Justine LApril 4, 2011 at 9:41 AM

    I wish I could help you to feel less alone ... I know that feeling, and it just sucks. :( *hug*

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  3. SerenityApril 4, 2011 at 9:45 AM

    Hugs. I know the feeling of not being able to pick up the phone and talk to someone who gets it.

    Luckily there us, the internets, who DO get it.

    You are NOT a failure. Not at all.

    xoxo

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  4. Angela and DavidApril 4, 2011 at 11:16 AM

    You are not a failure. I wish I could give you a big hug.

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  5. cherelliApril 4, 2011 at 12:12 PM

    Uh-uh, Definitely not a failure. And you know there ARE many women out there suffering in some way similar to you; what you've put yourself through takes tenacity and guts - doing whatever it takes to get to your goal. You will be fine with time...but in the meantime I'm sending some "hope" and positive thoughts your way for this cycle in particular...hang in there.

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  6. BabystepsApril 4, 2011 at 2:38 PM

    Wow.. I could have written the SAME EXACT post...down to getting yet another pregnancy announcement and including the "checklist for not committing suicide."

    I know where you are and you are so not alone. There are many of us, though it often feels few and far between, but we are here.

    You are not a failure! You don't even come close to that title. You are courageous, strong and caring, but definitely not a failure!

    You hang in there and take each day at a time. Anything can happen and it is possible that this time will be THE ONE!

    Too much sunshine? Sorry... I am just trying to cheer you up a little... :)

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  7. MyTwoLinesApril 4, 2011 at 3:58 PM

    I'm sorry it hurts so much right now. :(

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  8. ChonApril 4, 2011 at 4:08 PM

    You have us and we will never let you be alone. But I know how it feels and it hurts. How can you talk to people about something so painful. Talk to us whenever the need arises and we will be here for you. Sending you lots and lots of love and hope for your next cycle. xx

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  9. KathleenApril 4, 2011 at 5:25 PM

    im sorry that you are feeling claustrophobic... ugh. i hate that feeling of it being last.. i very much understand that feeling. i don't want this to be my life too... and i know we're both smart chicks who know that we will survive anything, but i agree with you... i don't want to have to deal with this.... and i'm sooo sorry about another pregnancy announcement. ... you can always call me!!! i'm here for you. any time of day. seriously.

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  10. AnonymousApril 5, 2011 at 1:58 AM

    Oh hun, I have been there and felt those feelings too. I wish I could reach out and hug you. I am staying hopeful for you & praying for a successful cycle! Hang in there hun. I'll be thinking of you.

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  11. HopeBPatientApril 5, 2011 at 6:31 AM

    I think all that you are feeling is completely understandable. I know my declared 'last IVF cycle with my own eggs' was just incredibly stressful. This was it. Do or die (not literally, but as you know, that's what it felt like.) All I can say is - on the other side (which for me was a BFN) - I felt such relief. I'd made my last attempt. It was pretty disastrous, but I'd checked that box off. I was done. And weirdly, it made me feel much freer to move on to the donor eggs we'd decided on. Of course, if this cycle gives you a BFN fantastic!! But if it doesn't, at least you know you will have done everything you could. Hang in there. I know this is hard. Thinking of you.

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