IVF#7

I've started this post several times.  Never seem to find the right intro.  And, so, I will just begin.

I am on CD 4 of my latest cycle.  I have one follicle that seems a little bigger than the others, which has me worried that we are falling victim to the one potential downfall of the estrogen priming antagonist protocol: a dominant follicle.  But, I have been through this enough to not get freaked out until absolutely necessary.  My E2 levels have been better this cycle (CD3=64; CD5=104), but still not great.  In my head, I'm just thinking that this is game over and that we are going through the motions so that we can tell ourselves later on that we did all we could and have no regrets about it.  I am sad to think that we won't have any more kids, but also feel like I am so lucky to have the two that we do have and so excited to be able to experience all the cool toddler growth stages with Baby Girl again.  I have these fleeting moments with Nugget where I am so in love with him, so engrossed in our fun little interactions, and I am thankful that I can really concentrate on each of my children and really get to explore with them.

Every night I read books with Nugget.  He usually negotiates me up from 3 to 4 or 4 to 5 and I am *such* a sucker.  You wanna read?  SURE!  He's still obsessed with dinosaurs and trucks and I know more about "diggers" and "buckets" and "cranes" (do you know the three main parts of a crane?  I do!) than I ever thought possible.  Then, we go through his alphabet cards.  Of course, the only letters he can remember are "N" for "Nugget" and "P" for "PooPoo."  After the alphabet cards, we have a couple of rounds of "Mommy Pizza" where he lays on top of me and pretends to eat me (weird, I know).  Then, we snuggle.  Then, I kiss him and he compulsively puts my kisses in his pocket.  Then, I whisper: "You are my special boy" and he whispers back "You are my special Mommy."  And, that's my absolute favorite time of day with him.  The rest of the day is a series of negotiations and dramatic fights over how awful a mommy I am to make him wear clothes, go to the bathroom, eat at the table, go to school, etc.  Also thrown in are a couple of excruciating boring games of "rescue Mommy and Grandma and Baby Girl and Nana and Gramps from the fire."  A few rounds of "swim away from the shark" in the basement.  And, some cute brother and sister play in which Baby Girl wraps her hands around her big brother's face and tries to suck on his nose.

In other news, I have been injured all freaking month and totally unable to exercise...which SUCKS.  I went back into running/exercise a little too hard core after taking off for IVF#6 in September.  For a couple of days, I couldn't even walk up and down stairs, so I am thankful at least to be able to move around comfortably in every day life.  I hate to think of how out of shape I am and how much weight I am going to gain with the wonderful combination of no exercise, IVF, and all the upcoming food holidays.  I know I'll dig myself out of it...but sometimes I daydream about just stopping IVF so that I can have control of my body again and can start progressing toward some fitness goals.  In the end, though, I know that said fitness goals are empty and won't give me the satisfaction I think they will.

My sister seems to be doing OK.  The outpatient program she is in is pretty intense.  I do worry, though, that I have NO IDEA what is really going on in her head.  We seemed to have moved out of crisis zone, though, and my parents have really been wonderful in helping her out and not saying judgemental things.

My husband's company is still being sued, but we don't know if it will actually come to fruition.  It does seem to be on more solid ground, though....which opens up the possibility of me quiting my job and really "burning the ships" to ensure that I figure out this career stuff.

Hope you all are well!!