Who is this girl?

Today we went in for transfer expecting it to be like all the other transfers.  One or two to pick from.  All the others dead.

But, today...they were all still growing.  I didn't memorize the number/cell/grade of each of them, but they were all still in the running and some of them looked very good.  Usually, my clinic would have insisted that we wait until Day 5, but we refused.  Day 3 is all that has worked for us, so we're sticking with it.  We picked the two best embryos, a 7-cell and a compacting 8-cell with 0 fragmentation, both grade 1 (highest grade). 

We will find out out Monday whether they were able to freeze any embryos.

We are trying so very hard to not be hopeful.  To not fall victim to the allure of beautiful embryos and a nearly perfect cycle.  To not look up due dates.  To not think about how crazy it would be to manage three children.  To not wonder if maybe we would have a second boy or girl.  To not think about how different our perspective would be about life should it work out to be so EASY to have another child. 

They cycle that hurt the most was the cycle that we did up in New Jersey with the beautiful hatching blastocysts and the embryologist who told us she couldn't imagine that this cycle wouldn't work.  We hoped.  We were stress-free and elated the entire two week wait.  After the negative, I didn't get out of bed for days.  I had horrible fights with my husband.  I can't let myself fly too high because the fall is too steep and too horrible.  Instead, I will choose this middling place.  I am content with my two children.  It would be interesting, a nice to have, but I will not die or sob in bed or miss any more of my life if this cycle doesn't work.

And so the wait begins.