I went to the clinic where we had success on our last cycle. I can't say that I love the RE...but we got pregnant and I think they have the best lab locally...and I have two more cycles covered by insurance at said clinic...so, I'm going back to him. He gives pat, succinct answers and really doesn't explain WHY or HOW he reached the decision that he did. As an aside, it seems to me that he has a knee-jerk assessment of our treatment plan and doesn't really THINK about things.
My RE says I need to stop breastfeeding NOW and get started on a cycle as soon as possible as time is not on my side. I'm turning 34 in two weeks. With diminished ovarian reserve....this is more like turning 44. He says that it will take 4-6 weeks after I stop breastfeeding to get my period. Or, I might not get my period and they would have to give me Provera for 10-14 days to bring on my period. Then, they'd have to do Day 3 bloodwork, another HSG, another semen analysis, and infectious disease testing again. Then, he could start me on the estrogen patch for estrogen priming and the next cycles I could do IVF. That whole process could take 12-16 weeks for me even to GET to the start line for IVF. Which is why he thinks we should get started NOW.
I hate my body. Hate it. Hate it for being such a failure. Hate it for giving me these crappy ovaries. Hate it for causing me to spend the past five and a half years worrying about and trying to get pregnant. I look in the mirror at my wrinkles and feel so ashamed that I am so old and trying to get pregnant. This wasn't the plan. I was supposed to be a "youngish" mother. I hate that my sucky body may be causing me to not provide my daughter with the time and nurturing she needs through breastfeeding.
Sometimes I think I should just stop trying while I am ahead. I have two beautiful children that fill me up. Last night, I sat in the rocking chair nursing my little girl and reading bedtime stories to my little boy and I felt so happy and full. They are these two beautiful little human beings. With two, I have the time to get to know each of them, to spend time on them and indulge their interests. I worry that with three I'll be spread too thin and won't be able to give them the attention they need.
And, my heart ACHES when I think about stopping breastfeeding. It's not even a possibility at this point as baby girl REFUSES to take a bottle. Yes, we've tried five different bottles. We've tried me feeding her. My husband feeding her. I've left the house and basically STARVED her. But, baby girl LOVES the boob and won't take anything else.
I know everything seems SO IMPORTANT right now...when a couple of years from now it won't matter so much if she was breastfed for four months or six months or twelve months. But, right now...I feel like I want to concentrate on the baby I have versus some baby that I could possibly have...but likely not. I need a paradigm shift.
Sigh.
I wish I had some wise words for you right now but I've got nothing. Such a tough spot. I'd say go with your gut but your gut sounds conflicted.
ReplyDeleteN was that way, too ... boob or nothing.
ReplyDeleteI want to step in here and say some nice things about your body, which is probably feeling pretty beat up right about now. Your beautiful body that yes, hasn't been completely cooperative, but has birthed two beautiful children. That runs. That is healthy. That breastfeeds your contented infant daughter. And that will, if you want it to, let you try for another child.
It is so easy to hate our bodies for what they *don't* do, for throwing huge wrenches into the plans we had for family-building. But everything my yoga teacher says resonates with me when I think about it ... not that we should be happy with what we have (because that's a load of Pollyanna bullSh*t), but that learning to let go is important ... and that we owe it to ourselves to take care of what we have.
That doesn't help with the conflict about having a third. But I hope you feel the love.
i'm 37 and my #s are way worse than yours i think. give it another few months.
ReplyDeletejhl said it better than I ever could.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
xoxo
re: your feelings about your body, i completely agree with jhl. she said it fantastically... im sorry your mind is struggling with all of this right now and you feel like you HAVE to make this decision... i wish i had more to offer other than, when you look back on your choices, what might you regret more... not breast feeding longer or not getting back on the RE horse... i can't answer that for you :-) wish i could see into the future.
ReplyDeleteOh man, just reading all that 'prep stuff' makes my head spin..I'm so far out of that world now. It's hard to know what to do...did you always see yourself with more than two children when you fantasized about your perfect life? I always imagined two kids and now that I adopted two kids I feel like we're complete. I think that's ultimately what it is about--but also the idea that you may have to feel complete with what you already have just in case...which is a tough spot to be in. Wishing you ease in making this decision!
ReplyDeleteI had to take a step back before replying as I wasn't in a good space...I was talking to a friend who ended up adopting and he said to me that first thing I should do is freeze/retrieve some of my eggs before I get any older. I'm not sure of the cost but could you freeze some eggs now...continue breastfeeding for a few more months then start down the IVF path knowing you have eggs that won't be aging already stored, ready to go? Don't hate your body...roll with it...it has given you two beautiful children, albeit with some stress, but let that go...
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy reading your blog! I have a 29 month old son and a 15 week old daughter. I'm 36 (will be 37 in August) and definitely struggle with the idea of having a 3rd baby. I still work full time and I worry about holding it all together and giving my kids the best with less and less time. (Also, I don't even think I could get pregnant going at this pace.) I think your body is amazing by supplying your daughter with all that breastmilk! My supply wasn't good at all, and once it became obvious that my daughter had a milk intolerance, I stopped bfing at 12 weeks. I admire what you've been able to do! I look forward to your posts as they are very similar to the feelings I've been having as well. I'm a total type A like you!
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