I was supposed to go advocate for RESOLVE on the Hill today. But, since JuJuBean refuses a bottle, I can't be away from her for a day. I feel really passionately about it and would have loved to participate.
But, the thing is...I can't get myself to open up about our experience with infertility to those outside my inner circle. I don't understand my ambivalence. I see friends posting on FB about NIAW and I can't bring myself to post anything.
To quote Emily Dickinson, it feels:
"How public – like a Frog –
To tell one's name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!"
Perhaps this is more a function of the range of people I am friends with on FB? If I posted on FB, I would be letting work colleagues and casual high school friends and ex-boyfriends, etc. know about my infertility.
The truth is: I'm deeply embarrassed. That it took us five cycles of IVF to conceive our daughter seems somehow TOO infertile to share with the world. In my mind, one or two cycles is your garden-variety infertility. A little bump in the road. But, FIVE cycles? Wow. You're REALLY infertile. You're REALLY a failure if you had to go through that much IVF to get pregnant. It would feel like shouting to the world: come look at our freak show sex life. All you NORMAL people can have sex to have babies, but we had to involve a menagerie of doctors and embryologists and drugs and procedures to get knocked up. I don't want to expose our personal, private struggle to the world. I don't want acquaintances to look askance at us and think "those poor infertile people." I wonder if people will think: they must have been too old or she must have run too much. I realize I am perpetuating misguided and inaccurate perceptions by not educating people about infertility. Why am I not willing to put myself out there? Why won't I make a stand for something I believe in?
I've talked to my husband about it and he thinks that we just don't want to go back to the IVF cave and all the darkness it entailed. But, do we ever really leave all that behind us? I still cringe when people make innocuous jokes about "keeping [their] legs crossed so [they] don't get knocked up," etc.
I think I just don't have the strength of spirit to put myself out there. Which isn't a quality to admire.
Why have I, the queen of over-sharing, become so private?
Opinions and public flogging acceptable.
No flogging necessary. This is a tough one. I think I feel similarly; in some situations, I feel able to share, but ... well, even my blog is ambivalent sometimes, because my audience is mixed. So I understand. And FB is an unforgiving, non-nuanced platform for sharing information.
ReplyDeleteI've always felt that any advocacy and awareness-raising we can do is good ... and those of us able to speak will speak to the degree we can on behalf of others who cannot, at least not yet.
Be kind to yourself. If there's one thing we need to take from our experiences with infertility, it's that. You *do* have strength of spirit, in so many ways. Thank you for being where you are.
ouch a little bit....it took us 6 cycles and there was apparently nothing wrong with us but I refuse to think of myself as a failure. I look at the medical profession as the ones failing me because they didn't take my concerns seriously.
ReplyDeleteI do think it is very important that in your own self reflection you recognise that having gone through IVF does not equal failure. To me it signal strength and determination to succeed.
I personally don't think the whole world needs to know about your struggles but you definitely need to wash your mouth with the failure talk!!
I second cw - "the medical ones failing" - but more becuase there seems to be so little research and knowledge of fertility. You are most definitely NOT a failure - you have two beautiful children! I have recently been reading on ivf.ca and my goodness there are so many people struggling after multiple cycles. Apparently i am infertile - and I must admit i feel ashamed, like I did something wrong. Like (as you say) people talk behind their backs about "all that sport she played and the way she eats"....I could not open myself up to FB where I have friends who are barely acquaintances, or people i knew well a long long time ago. That is not the forum. (and personally i hate Status comments advertising a cause)...I on't think you have to "over-share' everything if you choose not to - and in fact it's nice sometimes to choose who you feel safe talking to. Oh, and as cw says - going through IVF takes strength and stamina to succeed - two qualities which apparently my gut thinks I lack.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you shouldn't use the word failure. In my opinion, you SUCCEEDED (twice!!)--you overcame infertility with medical intervention. I never did that, despite doing six IVFs and going to the best clinic in the nation. But I still don't want to call myself a failure. But that doesn't mean you have to share it on FB either, that's a personal thing. I'm not even on FB as the whole idea seems a little odd to me still.
ReplyDeleteI'll echo others and say you aren't a failure, none of us are, just really unlucky.
ReplyDeleteI was really open about my issues, although granted i very, very fortunately fell into the two cycle camp, but even as open as I was on my blog and with real life friends (and shoot, even the guy in the coffee shop this morning), I never posted anything on FB. There's something about knowing your audience and you just don't know your audience on FB. Or you know some people well enough to know they are judgmental a$$es and they have no business knowing your business. I would say you are an advocate through your blog, even if you do keep some things private.
Your body successfully carried 2 beautiful children. That seems like a huge success to me.
ReplyDeleteI think I find some power in sharing. It feels freeing. BUT, I don't think you necessarily have to share on FB to feel like you are open about it....
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you had to go through so much will be with you for a while, I'm sure. I totally get the jealousy still and anger at people who "need to keep their legs crossed".... I think I will always carry that with me in some manner.