More Room in My Heart: The Post I Am Afraid to Write

Monday, November 26, 2012

The Post I Am Afraid to Write

I am wary of writing this post.

Because it is not fair.

Because I know it will hurt people to read.

I can’t quite believe it myself, but today I got a positive home pregnancy test. I know this is just the beginning of the journey. I need a positive beta, and doubling betas, and ultrasounds, and a beating heart, etc. But, as of this moment, I am pregnant.

****UPDATED****
Beta=196 @ 14 Days Post Retrieval

6 comments:

MyTwoLinesNovember 26, 2012 at 6:31 AM
Don't be afraid, be happy! I secretly knew this would be your news and it's awesome! Now we will all pull for everything else to follow smoothly. I'll run an extra mile or two in your honor today :)
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AnonymousNovember 26, 2012 at 10:53 AM
I knew you were pregnant as well.

Congratulations, hon.

xoxo
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ShelleyNovember 26, 2012 at 12:34 PM
You shouldn't feel bad. You give me hope that I will get my #3 too. Congrats!
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momtohowmanyNovember 26, 2012 at 6:40 PM
Congrats!!!
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cherelliNovember 27, 2012 at 7:10 AM
Ohwowohwowohwow!! i just scanned through my list of blogs hoping there'd be a report one way or the other from you to end the suspense - CONGRATULATIONS!!! After so many years and tears its nice this one came just a teensy weensy bit "easier", fingers crossed everything advances successfully - so excited for you!!!
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Justine LNovember 28, 2012 at 7:01 PM
I don't know how I missed this but CONGRATULATIONS! So thrilled for you ... though I know that it's a long road, and there are so many places to feel like you're being too cocky ... here's wishing you a sticky, and uneventful, pregnancy. XO
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Our Infertility Journey

Aug 2013: IVF#10: Antagonist protocol with estrogen priming at Same Big Clinic: 8 eggs, 3 mature, 2 fertilized, 2 3-day 7-cell and 8-cell transferred.

Jun 2013: IVF#9: BFN: Antagonist protocol with estrogen priming at Same Big Clinic: 9 eggs, 5 mature, 4 fertilized, 2 3-day 8-cell transferred.

Apr 2013: My son Mackenzie Ryan died at 22 weeks 1 day due to a degenerative placenta. I delivered him on April 3, 2013. It was the most horrific experience of my life.

Feb 2013: Major car accident likely damaged placenta.

Jan 2013: Our little twin left this world.

Nov 2012: IVF#8: BFP: Antagonist protocol with estrogen priming at Same Big Clinic (Clinic #3): 15 eggs, 10 mature, 9 fertilized, 1 8-cell and 1 7-cell transferred

Sept 2012: IVF#7: BFN: Antagonist protocol at Same Big Clinic (Clinic #3): 5 eggs, 4 mature, 1 fertilized, 1 9-cell transferred

Dec 2011: Hello Baby Girl! No year of "magical thinking" this time. We know no way and no how are we ever going to get knocked up naturally. Begin the weaning process in June. Take Provera in July. Fail. Move on to bcp and *finally* get period in August.

Apr/May 2011: IVF#6: BFP! Antagonist protocol with Estrogen Priming at Big Clinic (Clinic #3): 6 eggs, 4 mature, 2 fertilized, 2 3-day 8-cell and 7-cell transferred.

Mar/Apr 2011: HSG (again) and estrogen priming; Month of my Amazing 18 Antral Follicle Count

Feb/Mar 2011: Natural IUI: BFN: Pretty sure this is going to be negative, but what the heck.

Jan/Feb 2011: IVF#5: BFN: Antagonist protocol at RMA-NJ, (6 eggs, 5 mature, 4 fertilized, 2 day-5 hatching blasts transferred, 1 day-6 blast frozen)

Dec 2010: Meet with multiple doctors (RMA, SIRM-NY, Cornell). Start adoption paperwork. Begin accupuncture.

Nov 2010: IVF #4: BFN (Microdose Lupron Flare Protocol, 8 eggs, 4 mature, 4 fertilized, 1 Day 5 blastocyst & 2 Day 5 morulas transferred, none frozen)

Oct 2010: Treat mild, chronic endometritis (diagnosed in Sept endometrial biopsy).

Sept 2010: Testing. Why no implantation? HSG again (all clear!). Endometrial biopsy (endometritis:<). Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (AMH=1.1, FSH=5.7).

Jul/Aug/Sept 2010: IVF #3: BFN (long lupron protocol, 9 eggs, 8 mature, 5 fert, 2 5-day transferred, none frozen)

Jun/Jul 2010: Where is my period??

Apr/May/Jun 2010: FET #2: BFN

Mar 2010: Clomid/HCG/coitis

Feb 2010: Clomid/HCG/coitis

Jan 2010: Provera to bring on period; ovulate instead, HCG trigger, timed intercourse

Dec 2009: Where is my period? 13 months no period since birth of son.

Nov 2009: SA improved! 7% normal morph=normal couple!!

Baby's First Year: Breastfeeding, recovering from awful delivery, running like crazy! My "year of magical thinking" hoping that we get to be one of those "lucky" couples that don't have any problems getting pregnant with #2. No BC. No period. No pregnancy.

Nov 2008: Hello Baby Nugget!!

Jan/Feb/Mar 2008: IVF#1: BFP!! (long stim, 6 eggs, 6 embryos, 2 3-day transferred, 2 5-day frozen)

Nov/Dec 2007: IUI #1: BFN

Oct 30, 2007: Diagnosis: Male factor infertility 2% morphology; ovulatory dsyfunction

Sept/Oct 2007: tests galore

Aug/Sept 2007: 44 day cycle; visit obgyn; referred to RE

April/May 2007: Trip to Machu Picchu for my 29th birthday; officially TTC with charting, etc.

Feb 2007: Stop taking BCP; regular periods; not preventing, but not consciously trying