I am restless. Ever since the transfer, I have been waking up in the middle of the night, lying in bed, unable to go back to sleep. Inevitably, after an hour, I get out of bed and end up scouring the Internet to read "multiple ivfer" boards just to scroll through the signatures with people's stories of woe. 4 cycles. 7 cycles. Beautiful embyros and yet never, never any success to knock some fear back in my heart. Largely, I have been successful. I was talking with my close, uber-fertile friend who naively asked if I had any symptoms and when I would take a pregnancy test. Yes, I told her. I have a ton of symptoms. I'm hungry, cranky, exhausted, my nipple tingle, peeing constantly and these symptoms are completely meaningless because I will have them regardless of whether I am pregnant. I will know I am pregnant if I pee on a stick two weeks post transfer and two lines pop up.
Lately, I can't shake this sense of loss. Loss of my career. Loss of the woman I used to be. The emotionally mature response is to say that I am a newer, better, stronger self. And, sure, I am. But, I feel so lost in my career now. I went from being one of the "high performers" to this drab wall-flower with promotion potential decimated. It's not something that I couldn't make up for in a couple of years with a lot of hours and maneuvering and hard work. But, it just feels so....artificial. I just can't pretend it is something I care about any more. I also miss my physical aspirations. I guffaw to think I seriously thought I had a chance of running a 2:50 marathon. I wanted to run 90 miles a week.
It seems like my heart just can't hold of anything anymore. I have no aspirations of any sort now. Or at least I don't know where to point my ambition. And, I love my kids, but being a mom is one aspect of my personality. The only aspect of my life that I have focused my perseverance and hard work on the past few years. I got lucky in that I can look at my two children and feel that I am accomplished something. But, I am exhausted from it. I don't know how to revive the rest of my life and the thought of continuing to live like this, with all other ambition muted seems....empty, scary, isolating? I can't find the right adjective.
Sigh. I should go back to sleep. The combination of waking up in the middle of the night plus drugs is making me a human zombie.
I suspect i will be relating to this in a couple of years...it seems that especially in the first 5 years of raising young children it is easy to lose a big part of the "before kids" you. BUT like you may have seen around you - and if you CARE to (and no one is saying you have to except you), i believe that you CAN get back the "you" which is valued...and as you refer to, your values will change, just be true to what you feel. If you don't feel a need to be a "high flier" so what? Is that how you think others will perceive you (in which case it doesn't matter) or is it just the "egotistical" part we all have that makes you think you have let yourself down? Anyways...really it's too early to speculate, especially with what you are going through these next two weeks. Once you have your answer there, you will have a short term sense of direction...you have many many years left to evolve gradually into who you choose to be (which is in large part at the moment "mother to youngsters"!); just look to older people around you may admire....anyways, good luck with the sleep thing, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!!
ReplyDeleteI can relate a lot to this post... I too was a "high flier" career- wise and I lost it along the way with all the infertility and loss. And I feel now, disappointed that's not who I am now while I also feel that I don't have the energy or desire to be that person anymore. It's tough stuff! Best wishes on your current cycle. At least- and i know this is a small comfort- you know that IVF can work for you! I fear returning to it as I am not sure that it can work for me, as a multiple IVFer with only failure. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks:> Makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one that had IF really impact my career. My husband always says that I made a decision to concentrate on the IVF stuff, but I really feel like I didn't have a choice. It was too all consuming.
DeleteI get this ... and wish I could offer your something besides understanding, and love, and light ... try to be kind to yourself. This is so, so hard. *hug*
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