Stim Day 6

Soooooo, I was supposed to be writing little positive memories of each day.  Fail.  I'm tired.  We're busy.  I can't make myself slow down to write because I don't know where to begin.  Or where to stop.

I can write you about our crappy Father's Day and how disappointed I was in my husband for his choice of activities...which included NOT being with his family.

I can write you about how as I was walking into my fertility clinic I ran into a woman that I have only met a handful of times and had heard from a mutual friend that she had lost a baby girl at 24 weeks in November.  I may or may not have cried out when I saw her that our babies had both died and hugged her. 

I can write you about how strange and unhinged I feel now that my daughter is out of daycare and the reality of not having daily interactions with humans is starting to settle in.  I fear that being a bit of a goal-oriented introvert that I will slowly become more socially isolated as I get absorbed in doing little tasks around the house.

I can write about how scared I am about making any next steps with my career for fear that there isn't anything in this world that I would actually like to do.

I can write about how I ran into an old college roommate and her older brother who was the Resident Advisor in my dorm freshman year.  It was embarrassing to see them and be so adrift in my life.  I can't help but feel like a failure about the way my life has turned out.  I had such plans.  They were little plans...but they were plans at least.

Let's just talk about my cycle instead.

My estrogen on stim day 6 is 491.  I keep my trusty little excel spreadsheet with E2 numbers and try to decipher the outcome of my cycle.  For my two most recent successful cycles, my E2 rose very slowly: by stim day 6, my E2 was 135 and 159 for these two cycles.  Waaaay lower. What does this mean?  My follicles are all 9-10mm, so they've got at least another 5 days of stimming, which would put me at 11 stim days.  Does that mean that there are more follicles this time?  Is my cyst secreting E2?  This cycle is most similar to the cycle in NJ.  On CD 6, my E2 was 486.  Will this cycle be another utter and total disaster? 

How much more of this can I take?

Happy memory: We bought a hammock a few weeks after Mackenzie died and hung it on our screened porch.  There is something deeply relaxing about gently swaying in the swing, reading a book, and listening to the light laughter of children in the background.  Tonight my son was showing a friend around the house and said, "That's my mommy's chair."  I had never laid claim to it out loud, but he knows it is mine.