Boobies

I went to a breastfeeding class today. There were about 20 pregnant women packed in a 15x20 foot room. It was insanely hot with so many burgeoning bellies in such a small circumference! The class was reassuring more than anything else. After all my reading and conversations with other mothers, I feel slightly prepared that I know *something* about nursing.

After the class, about 6 of us stayed to get measured for nursing bras and our nipples checked out. For the record, I am a very bashful person "in the locker room" so to speak. I don't change in front of my sisters or my friends....even my oldest friends that know everything about me will never see me prancing around in my underwear. When changing at the gym, I face the locker and do all the middle school tricks so that no-one really sees you changing. So, when the instructor first said that we would all be fitted for bras in the SAME room and then look at each others nipples, my first reaction was "hell no." But, then I figured that I would never see these women again and that I really needed to get fitted for a bra and I didn't have that much time left, so I needed to suck it up. So, I stayed. Turns out, at the PEAK of my pregnancy, I am a whopping 34 B. Wow. Most of the other women were whipping out the D's. Oh well, I guess I won't have saggy breasts? Also, I was worried that I had flat or inverted nipples as I've always likened my nipples to 12 year old adolescents. I don't have the "porn star" nipples that stick out. The lactation consultant said that my nipples were fine and that the baby would pull them out and even commented on my nice, numerous Montgomery's tubercles. It was hilarious to me to see so many pregnant women walking around with their bellies sticking out and staring at each other's nipples, but also pretty neat. We were all about to join the oldest sorority in the world....the mom club!

As for staying mentally sane while waiting to find out about the baby on the 23rd, I am in a much better place now. I had a monitoring session on Monday and the baby showed good fetal movement, blood flow, heart rate, and was even "practice breathing." I go in tomorrow for more monitoring and actually get to talk to my OBGyn for the first time in person since I got the IUGR diagnosis. At this point, I am taking the attitude that I cannot worry about the baby until he comes as there is nothing that I can do at this point if there is something wrong with him. I have always been a worry wart that focuses on the worst case scenario (so as to be prepared) and I am slowly learning...through IVF and pregnancy...that I don't control anything by worrying and that the best that I can do is to try and be positive about the situation and have faith in my strength. No one gets through life without suffering, so you have to learn how to live through it. As much as I believe this to be a truth, I also believe that you have to choose to be happy and choose to find the things about living that make it worthwhile. OK...enough from me....

How to Survive

Read a quote today about how prisoners of war survived mentally: "If you kept your mind occupied, you were going to be okay." Not that my situation is at all like that of a prisoner of war, but I am trapped in my own mind right now....

My goal for today. Keeping occupied with things NOT baby.

The Two Week Wait

I have done the two week wait many many times in the past two years, waiting for pregnancy test results. This wait, however, has got to be the longest and the worst two weeks of my life. I am pretty much crying all day. I try to distract myself with work and chores around the house and spending time with friends, but the past four days have been very rough. I can't sleep at night and it is all that I can do not to curl up in the fetal position and be defeated. There is baby stuff everywhere and it breaks my heart. I have been surrounding myself with my closest friends who will make me laugh and let me cry and feel blessed to have such a wonderful support network. My husband has been amazing in dealing with me, too. I know that we are strong enough to handle whatever happens, but sometimes I get tired of the struggle and tired of the pain. We go in for our first monitoring session tomorrow. I hope the doctor can give us some answers about the chance that this baby has a chromosomal problem. At this point, amnio doesn't really make sense, but I think it might be helpful for us to know what we are facing.

Things could be very very bad.....

Well, I did my on-line research and things could be very very bad. I spent most of yesterday crying.

Intrauterine growth retardation (IUGR) also known as intrauterine growth restriction or small for gestational age (SGA) occurs when the fetus is less than 10 percent of predicted fetal weight for gestational age.

There are two types of IUGR.
Symmetric--head and stomach are both behind. Indicates a chromosomal problem, like Down's or Trisomy 21. (this is what I have)
Asymmetric--head is larger than stomach. Indicates maternal causes such as chronic hypertension or placental problems.

There is a possibility that the baby is just "constitutionally small," i.e., just a smaller baby and that there is nothing wrong with the baby. But, my baby is *really* small....less than 10th percentile.

I talked to my doctor yesterday about the possible causes. I asked whether I was doing something. Was I gaining enough? Was my running a factor? She said that maternal factors haven't been linked with symmetric IUGR, but that just to be on the safe side that I should cut out the running and start drinking an ensure every day and try to make sure that I am getting more protein. I haven't been eating much protein because of my nausea. My diet is mostly bread, cereal, fruit, hummus/veggie sandwiches, cheese, peanut butter, and chicken for dinner. But, my general impression was that these changes would only be to make me feel as if I was doing something. Regardless, I am going to cut out running until my next ultrasound on 10/23 and see if that helps him grow.

I am most concerned about the chromosomal abnormalities. We had the nuchal translucency screening and genetic testing at 11 weeks and that showed nothing. The baby isn't showing any other factors typically associated with trisomy 21, etc. and I don't have any family history. The doctor said that she wished she could tell me this wasn't a possibility but she couldn't.

I am pretty devastated. After all that we went through to have this baby, I am heart-broken to think that there is something wrong with him. I can't imagine life with a Down's baby. I dreamed of how my baby would be so smart...a little bookworm like his father and me. I don't know how I am going to make it to the 23rd to see if he is growing. I barely slept at all last night.

Intrauterine Growth Restriction

So, I went in for my level 2 sonogram to find out why I was measuring small and to see if the baby is OK. The baby is measuring nearly 3 weeks behind and the doctor was concerned that the head and the stomach in particular were measuring behind. They said the baby's heartrate, placenta flow, blood flow, activity level, heart, brain, and digestive system development all looked normal. The doctor wants me to come in for twice weekly monitoring to check out the baby's blood flow, heart rate, etc. and that they would have me come in for another ultrasound on 10/23 to see how the baby was growing. The doctor said that if the baby hadn't shown growth progress by the 10/23 ultrasound that they would want to start the conversation about having the baby early (i.e., c-section). However, if the baby has shown progress, then we would just continue to monitor the baby and would likely want to induce me during my 39th week because they wouldn't want the baby to be in there past 40 weeks because the placenta begins to disintegrate and the baby is already behind in its growth. I just hope that there isn't something chromosomally wrong with the baby. I noticed on my insurance form that they listed my condition as intrauterine growth restriction so I have to go research that more....

Week 35 Running Stats and Baby Shower!

Pictures from the Baby Shower...

I never would have thought that I would be running this much so late in my pregnancy! I haven't had time for weights or yoga, but am hoping to pick it up again next week. I kind of feel defeated about it at this point in time and would rather spend my spare time in the evenings doing stuff to get ready for the baby or hanging out with my friends. I really haven't been doing weights regularly since June and cannot believe how much muscle I have lost in my arms. They are skinny little sticks again! Part of me just figures that I will pick it up again after the baby comes, but I really shouldn't let myself get lazy.

Week 35 Running Stats
Monday, September 29, 2008: 8.5 miles
Tuesday, September 30, 2008: 7 miles
Wednesday, October 1, 2008: 7 miles
Thursday, October 2, 2008: 8.5 miles
Friday, October 3, 2008: 8.5 miles
Saturday, October 4, 2008: 7 miles
Sunday, October 5, 2008: 7.5 miles
Total Mileage: 54 miles

I had my baby shower yesterday...I have such mixed emotions about the shower. I had built it up in my head for so long because I had attended so many baby showers and had wondered if I ever would have the opportunity to have my own baby shower. First and foremost, I felt so spoiled and overwhelmed by the generosity of the people in my life. My sister and sister-in-law, who threw the shower, were so thoughtful. The theme of the shower was "Let the Wild Rumpus Start," stolen from the book "Where the Wild Things Are." My sister found invitations with the "Where the Wild Things Are" theme and bought party favors along the same vein. My sister-in-law made this AMAZING cake that had a boat and monsters on it. I cannot believe how much baby stuff we got and feel so incommunicably grateful. I opened presents for an hour and a half, which I have to admit was painful. I hate excess, so the idea of 12 baby blankets, over 30 baby outfits, 6 sleep sacks, 4 towels etc. just feels glutenous. I also felt so guilty being the center of attention and couldn't stop thinking about how everyone there was probably bored to tears. In addition, I was a little overwhelmed by the number of people at the shower. I had my relatives, my husband's relatives, AND my friends. It was a bit too much. Over 30 people in my tiny house! For all the ladies thinking about having baby showers, I would highly recommend smaller showers so that you get to spend time with the people at the shower. After the shower was over and everyone went home, I cried. I felt like I hadn't gotten to spend enough quality time with anyone and was disgusted by the excessive amount of things that we had gotten and mad at myself for being upset about the shower that I had wanted for so long and that people had been so thoughtful to plan and attend. I am still trying to make peace with myself about the shower.

Measuring Small

So, went for my biweekly appointment today. I asked to be measured again because folks keep telling me I am small. The doctor measured me at 30 cm...which is what I measured at 32 weeks. She said that I should be measuring 32-36, but that perhaps the baby's position was causing me to measure small and that the measurement is just a rough estimate. She's having me go for a sonogram next week to make sure he's growing on target. I am definitely bigger than I was at 30 weeks, so am not sure why I measured small. I hope everything is OK!