Afraid (Updated)

I had high hopes for yesterday's egg retrieval. We tried a different protocol. I've been on more drugs that EVER before. I have tried to be relaxed and ambivalent and not too attached to this cycle so that I wouldn't ride the rollercoaster of highs and lows with follicle counts, E2 levels, etc.

But, I was devastated yesterday to learn that they only got 4 mature eggs out of 8. I don't understand.

I am biting my nails. Trying to keep busy with work. Waiting, waiting, waiting. To see how many fertilized. To see if we are going to have any to put back.

I am hoping that my husband made some super sperm and they fertilize everything like they did the cycle with Nugget.

Please, God, please.


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Updated

The RE just called. Only 2 of the 4 eggs fertilized. We have to decide whether we do a day 3 or day 5 transfer. My inclination is to wait until day 5. If they aren't good embryos, then I'd rather not wait another two weeks to get a negative. He only gives us a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant by IVF. When do we stop this??

Waiting Room Etiquette

While in my RE's waiting room today....I saw someone I know. I'm not sure she saw me because I quickly ran over to the water fountain to avoid her.

I don't know why I hid.

I'm usually pretty open that we had trouble conceiving. And, we have some mutual friends, so she may know of my troubles.

The first thing I wanted to do was to call a girl that I know (who also did IVF to get pregnant and knows this woman) and tell her that this woman was at my clinic this morning...so she must be having problems, too. There's more of us infertiles out there!

I don't want to be a catty gossip, though, so I am not going to tell anyone. Well, except maybe the whole blogosphere.

Should I have acknowledged her? Surely I am going to run into her again if she is undergoing treatment.

What would you do if you ran into someone you know at the RE's office?

Does my avoidance of the situation demonstrate that I am actually embarassed that we have to undergo fertility treatments? Or was it merely that I wasn't sure how to handle the situation and, thus, just avoided it.

Why do we feel embarrased about our infertility? Does it mean that we are "lesser" human beings? Does it mean we are broken? Unlucky? Frail? I don't want people to pity me, but at the same time, I would like some acknowledgement of the horrible agony I must endure on a daily basis. We have people out there cheering for the "ta tas" but does anyone give a d@mn about the infertiles silently suffering? Why is our "disease" treated as cosmetic and superficial and "voluntary" or "self-inflicted" and not covered by insurance?

Lazy Blogger Monday: Photos from the Past Few Weeks

Hopefully, these somewhat maintain my anonymity...but here are a few shots from the past few weeks.
Nugget's Birthday Cake...Doesn't he look scared?

Nugget running like a mad man around the house with his birthday balloons.

Nugget all decked out in his Halloween costume for the neighborhood parade. A firetruck came!

Nugget at a local apple orchard/farm. He loves animals!

Don't Know Where I'm Going

My E2 levels appear low to me (156 on day 7 of stimming, 753 on day 10 of stimming).

I'm worried I'm not doing the follistim shot correctly.

I think I only have 7 eggs. I think they're around 17-19 mm. Most of them about the same size.

Other than that, I am tired. Worried. But, too busy to figure out whether the E2 numbers are comparable to my prior cycles. Too busy to get on Dr. Google and google the heck out of whether my follicle development is slow or low E2 levels are indication of a problem.

I have some fun shots of Nugget's birthday celebration this weekend and will post them in the next few days.

I'd rather poke my eye out than deal with my insurance company

On Wednesday, the RE upped my meds: in the am 200 follistim, 75 menupor, 20 lupron (same), in the pm 100 follistim, 150 menupor, 20 lupron.

I quickly realized that I was going to run out menupor Friday morning and follistim on Saturday morning. So, being the good little patient, I called my nurse and let her know that I was going to need more medicine. I also called my insurance company to find out if the RE's office would have to call in a new prescription or whether I had refills. They told me I had 3 refills. Perfect. Thus, all I needed to do was figure out how many meds I needed to get through Monday, when I could order more meds (my insurance company's speciality infertility pharmacy is closed on the weekend). That is, if I will need them. I will have been stimming for 12 days at that point.

On Thursday, I called the insurance company's speciality infertility pharmacy to order more meds. They said that I can't get refills and that I need my nurse to fax in a cycle review sheet and a new prescription. Fine. I called my nurse and told her that my insurance company needed this information and gave her their phone and fax numbers. She calls them and faxes over the required information. I don't have time to call again (meetings) until 5:20 and, at this point, the insurance representative says that they can't fill my order because they don't have authorization and that the cycle review sheet hasn't been received. CRAP. I can't get my meds tomorrow.

Friday morning. Bright and f'ing early. I call the insurance company again to figure out why this hasn't been authorized. I call my nurse to figure out what she needs to do to get this authorized.

And, so, here I sit. Mid-day friday. No menupor for tonight. Insurance company says they can't deliver until tomorrow. Thankfully, my RE says they can give me enough menupor to last through tonight. But, they have no follistim, so I *really* need to get that from my insurance company's pharmacy OR ELSE.

Guess where I'm supposed to be tomorrow? At my parent's house. Two hours away. Celebrating my son's second birthday.

Why does this have to be so f'ing complicated???

I may or may not have ended up crying and screaming at the stupid insurance people who all provided me with different information that resulted in me being in this awful position.

If I ever meet you in person: Linda, Melanie, Laura, Raul, Terry, or Kelly....BEWARE.

Things that are breaking my heart

My husband has grown disillusioned with his company and is trying to decide whether he should take a job at a new company or start his own partnership. Big decision, right? This stuff has been keeping him up at night for the past 6 months. Last night, as I was rocking Nugget in his room, we were talking about his successful job interview earlier that day with the Grand Poo-bah at the new company and how they were going to be making my husband an offer. I asked my husband what he thought he would do, where he thought he'd be happier. He leaned over, kissed Nugget's head, sighed and said: "I don't really care what I do. All I care is that we get pregnant."

The sun wasn't even up yet and I awoke this morning to the sound of Nugget chatting away to himself in his room. I suppose he must have been having a conversation with his friends "Car" and "Train" who travel with him everywhere now. I tiptoed to his door and stood listening to his undulating words for a few minutes before I made my way out the door for my morning walk.

I have three tubs of empty needles sitting on top of my bookshelf. Full of empty hope from the last cycles. Maybe I should throw them away.

Tomorrow is Nugget's 2nd birthday.

I wanna RUN

That's it. I'm done. I'm sick of it. I want to go for a nice long run and then I want to go lift weights and then maybe I'll go for a walk. That's right. All in one day. What are you gonna do about it?

I'm having a *really* hard time giving up the exercise this time. Because you know what? I did this 2 x already. Stopped everything. And, both times: still negative.

A dear friend reminded me that we have a level playing field this time because I no longer (hopefully) have endometritis. But, who knows? Maybe I do? Maybe I'll never get pregnant.

I'm so angry at all of this. Angry that I have wasted the last 11 months of my life trying for something and getting nothing. Angry that every freaking member of my family tells me that I should just move on to adoption because everyone gets pregnant when they adopt. WHAT?!

And, then I sigh. And try to get some perspective.

Think about my husband's boss whose son is being operated on today for a brain tumor. He's seven. They adopted him after dealing with infertility for several years. How is that fair, life?

Think about people that have been trying longer, harder, and spent more money.

I still want to run, though. A nice 10 mile run. So that my legs just start to ache a little.

My doctor says only "moderate exercise." But, as a compulsive exerciser, I'm really not sure WHAT that means. Technically, he says, 20 miles a week or less. Fine. Check. But, what about the elliptical? What about weights? What about yoga? Walking? Can I do that, too? And, can I do more than one in a day? I haven't yet...but I'm tempted.

Part of me just feels hopeless. Like this will never work. Why give up everything again to get another failure?