That's it. I'm done. I'm sick of it. I want to go for a nice long run and then I want to go lift weights and then maybe I'll go for a walk. That's right. All in one day. What are you gonna do about it?
I'm having a *really* hard time giving up the exercise this time. Because you know what? I did this 2 x already. Stopped everything. And, both times: still negative.
A dear friend reminded me that we have a level playing field this time because I no longer (hopefully) have endometritis. But, who knows? Maybe I do? Maybe I'll never get pregnant.
I'm so angry at all of this. Angry that I have wasted the last 11 months of my life trying for something and getting nothing. Angry that every freaking member of my family tells me that I should just move on to adoption because everyone gets pregnant when they adopt. WHAT?!
And, then I sigh. And try to get some perspective.
Think about my husband's boss whose son is being operated on today for a brain tumor. He's seven. They adopted him after dealing with infertility for several years. How is that fair, life?
Think about people that have been trying longer, harder, and spent more money.
I still want to run, though. A nice 10 mile run. So that my legs just start to ache a little.
My doctor says only "moderate exercise." But, as a compulsive exerciser, I'm really not sure WHAT that means. Technically, he says, 20 miles a week or less. Fine. Check. But, what about the elliptical? What about weights? What about yoga? Walking? Can I do that, too? And, can I do more than one in a day? I haven't yet...but I'm tempted.
Part of me just feels hopeless. Like this will never work. Why give up everything again to get another failure?
Ohhhh yeah, I hear you. The last time I ran 10 miles was Memorial Day weekend and it felt freaking awesome. I was obviously not trained for the race and started feeling major leg soreness beginning around mile 5ish. You know what? I smiled with every painful step...it felt awesome to have searing lungs, aching quads, and drenching sweat.
ReplyDeleteI didn't run at all during my third IUI/injects. I was coming off of that totally horrible E2 number from IUI/injects #2 and was actually inspired by one of YOUR posts to chill out (even mooooore) on running to try to deal with my stagnated estrogen. Anyway, the truth is, who knows? That cycle went better but it was also the first time we used low-dose HCG.
It's agony, because running is our coping mechanism. And this is when we need help coping more than any other time. And then we're told we can't do it. It's confusing and frustrating. I am thinking of you. I hope even if you don't end up running 10 miles, you get in a good, endorphin-boosting workout.
PS Cannot believe your fam says that to you. Ugh ugh UGH.
Yoga, definitely. I think that counts as moderate. And you need SOMETHING to make your brain happy!!
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, can totally see how frustrating this is for you! If I recall at least last time you gave up running your estrogen levels came up? (??) I would think that low impact (ie walking, elliptical at lowER aerobic levels) would be fine? I've always thought that maybe the impact of running is maybe too much for some bodies? But I know SLG would disagree with me and she is a doctor :) Suspecting this though I still struggle to shelve running....
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling, though I'm not nearly the distance runner that you are...but I usually worked out until my ovaries were enlarged...of course, my cycles never worked so who knows. Hang in there. One thing I know is hard to hear but is very, very true: you won't be in treatment forever. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled upon your blog. I totally hear ya! We sacrifice so much in this process. I am not even remotely close to the runner/exercise queen that you are, but I have always exercised and feeling like crap physically only adds to the BLAH-ness of fertility treatments. It steals our souls and the very things that give us strength to keep going.
ReplyDeleteI've always just done what felt comfortable to me and what consequences I could live with. I weighed the desire to exercise with the risk I was taking and usually that meant doing some exercise to restore my soul, but not pushing myself and then taking it easy during key points in the cycle (i.e., the end of stimulation, after transfer, etc.)
So sorry about the "Just adopt" comments. There is nothing more infuriating! Hang in there!
Ugh, just adopt comments. Like it's easy as stopping by Target on your way home. That's all I can say there.
ReplyDeleteI almost forgot my shot too this morning! Bad!
In my highly uneducated, no medical background opinion, walking and doing the elliptical are no different to our bodies than sitting still. Our bodies are used to going hard and training hard and that type of stuff isn't the problem. But I don't know anything.
ReplyDeleteAnd you have every right to be angry. You are making huge sacrifices with no guaranteed result. It's not fair. Really not fair.