Advocacy

I was supposed to go advocate for RESOLVE on the Hill today.  But, since JuJuBean refuses a bottle, I can't be away from her for a day.  I feel really passionately about it and would have loved to participate.

But, the thing is...I can't get myself to open up about our experience with infertility to those outside my inner circle.  I don't understand my ambivalence. I see friends posting on FB about NIAW and I can't bring myself to post anything.

To quote Emily Dickinson, it feels:

"How public – like a Frog – 
To tell one's name – the livelong June – 
To an admiring Bog!"

Perhaps this is more a function of the range of people I am friends with on FB? If I posted on FB, I would be letting work colleagues and casual high school friends and ex-boyfriends, etc. know about my infertility.

The truth is:  I'm deeply embarrassed.  That it took us five cycles of IVF to conceive our daughter seems somehow TOO infertile to share with the world.  In my mind, one or two cycles is your garden-variety infertility.  A little bump in the road.  But, FIVE cycles?  Wow.  You're REALLY infertile.  You're REALLY a failure if you had to go through that much IVF to get pregnant.  It would feel like shouting to the world: come look at our freak show sex life.  All you NORMAL people can have sex to have babies, but we had to involve a menagerie of doctors and embryologists and drugs and procedures to get knocked up.  I don't want to expose our personal, private struggle to the world.  I don't want acquaintances to look askance at us and think "those poor infertile people."  I wonder if people will think: they must have been too old or she must have run too much.  I realize I am perpetuating misguided and inaccurate perceptions by not educating people about infertility.  Why am I not willing to put myself out there?  Why won't I make a stand for something I believe in? 

I've talked to my husband about it and he thinks that we just don't want to go back to the IVF cave and all the darkness it entailed.  But, do we ever really leave all that behind us?  I still cringe when people make innocuous jokes about "keeping [their] legs crossed so [they] don't get knocked up," etc. 

I think I just don't have the strength of spirit to put myself out there.  Which isn't a quality to admire. 

Why have I, the queen of over-sharing, become so private?

Opinions and public flogging acceptable.

Conception

A year ago yesterday, my precious little girl was either a 7-cell or 8-cell embryo that was transferred into me.

I post this picture here because it is a special, private moment with her, happily nursing.  For the past year, I have sustained her either in my womb or via my breast milk.  What a difference a year makes.

What a difference two years makes...this time two years ago, I ran a marathon and hung up my running shoes to begin the IVF process.

I wonder where I will be a year from now.  Will I be pregnant again?  Will I have failed in our attempt for a third child?  Will I have wished I had weaned my daughter sooner?  Will I be quitting my job to change careers?  After the precipice of this next month and my husband no longer having a job, I have no idea where I will be.  It's scary to have no sense of the future...but at the same time it is centering.  All I know is this day.


Two great things happened today:
1. I had an AMAZING 15.6 mile run.  I felt strong.  I felt light.  I have no idea how fast I ran, but it was the first long run post-partum where I finished feeling great rather than completely spent.
2. I bought 4 GRE books.  Regardless of the unknowns, I am confident that I will have to take the GREs at some point in the next 5 years, so why not now?  Change begins with small steps and I am slowly making them to the future unknown.

A Trip to the ER

On Friday, my husband started having chest pains.

My husband who only goes to doctors when symptoms have reached some critical state which cannot be ignored.

We're sitting down, finally relaxing with respective glasses of wine after putting the kids to bed, when he leans over his knees, gasping. He tells me he can't catch his breath.

Commence Internet research.

We tried to find something, anything on the Internets which would indicate that this is not a Major Situation. All decision trees lead to Go To The ER Immediately.

So, at 9:30, we frantically call my sister-in-law and ask her to come watch the kids.

We spend the next four hours in the hospital. Getting EKG tests, blood tests, pokes and prods.

Summation: anxiety.

No indication of a heart attack or a blood clot or anything else that might have caused the pain.

Two weeks into No Job status and we're both hyperventilating a little. Wanting for a safety net. Considering canceling summer vacation plans. Trying to figure out how long our money will last. If we can afford fertility treatments. If we can afford another kid. If I need to go back to work full-time and immediately.

But, I will take this Unknowing over the Unknowing we faced this time last year. As irritating as it is not to know what life holds for us in six months, the big questions are answered. Will I get to experience pregnancy again? Will my son get to be a brother? The small questions can be answered later. Will I get to reboot my career? Will we get to move into a house that doesn't turn into a sauna in the summer due to lack of insulation and crappy air conditioning?

I have to remind myself that the smaller questions aren't as important. And, to not feel sorry for myself for hitting a rough patch again. It's so easy to slip down into the mire of depressed attitude about all of this. Get back up and start the good fight again.

RE Again

I went to the clinic where we had success on our last cycle. I can't say that I love the RE...but we got pregnant and I think they have the best lab locally...and I have two more cycles covered by insurance at said clinic...so, I'm going back to him. He gives pat, succinct answers and really doesn't explain WHY or HOW he reached the decision that he did. As an aside, it seems to me that he has a knee-jerk assessment of our treatment plan and doesn't really THINK about things.

My RE says I need to stop breastfeeding NOW and get started on a cycle as soon as possible as time is not on my side. I'm turning 34 in two weeks. With diminished ovarian reserve....this is more like turning 44. He says that it will take 4-6 weeks after I stop breastfeeding to get my period. Or, I might not get my period and they would have to give me Provera for 10-14 days to bring on my period. Then, they'd have to do Day 3 bloodwork, another HSG, another semen analysis, and infectious disease testing again. Then, he could start me on the estrogen patch for estrogen priming and the next cycles I could do IVF. That whole process could take 12-16 weeks for me even to GET to the start line for IVF. Which is why he thinks we should get started NOW.

I hate my body. Hate it. Hate it for being such a failure. Hate it for giving me these crappy ovaries. Hate it for causing me to spend the past five and a half years worrying about and trying to get pregnant. I look in the mirror at my wrinkles and feel so ashamed that I am so old and trying to get pregnant. This wasn't the plan. I was supposed to be a "youngish" mother. I hate that my sucky body may be causing me to not provide my daughter with the time and nurturing she needs through breastfeeding.

Sometimes I think I should just stop trying while I am ahead. I have two beautiful children that fill me up. Last night, I sat in the rocking chair nursing my little girl and reading bedtime stories to my little boy and I felt so happy and full. They are these two beautiful little human beings. With two, I have the time to get to know each of them, to spend time on them and indulge their interests. I worry that with three I'll be spread too thin and won't be able to give them the attention they need.

And, my heart ACHES when I think about stopping breastfeeding. It's not even a possibility at this point as baby girl REFUSES to take a bottle. Yes, we've tried five different bottles. We've tried me feeding her. My husband feeding her. I've left the house and basically STARVED her. But, baby girl LOVES the boob and won't take anything else.

I know everything seems SO IMPORTANT right now...when a couple of years from now it won't matter so much if she was breastfed for four months or six months or twelve months. But, right now...I feel like I want to concentrate on the baby I have versus some baby that I could possibly have...but likely not. I need a paradigm shift.

Sigh.

Never on Solid Ground

Today we learned that my husband's contract was being pulled and that he is only going to be paid through the end of the month. Then he's out of work.

Thankfully, we're always expecting the worst and have six months savings. I have faith that he'll be able to find more work or a new job. I'm not sure how long it will take and what cost saving/revenue producing measures we'll have to take to get us through...but...

I'm embarrassed to admit that my initial response to hearing this news was to cry. To feel sorry for myself and our family...
To think that jeez...just when we start feeling awesome about life, the rug gets pulled out from under us.

I know that ultimately we'll be fine.

But, I felt sad that what I hoped would be an amazing six months (unpaid) maternity leave where I could just luxuriate in the bliss of my happy baby and solely focus on getting back in shape, finishing up some home decorating projects, and enjoying life after the sucky suck of the past few years. My husband insists that I can still take six months off (I have three more months!), but I'm not sure I can enjoy myself while I'm stressing out about whether we have enough money to tide us over until he finds more work. And, I guess this puts my master plan of pursuing another career on the way back burner. I'm also not sure how we will be able to afford fertility treatments again if he doesn't land some work ASAP. I guess we could push that off until he has a job...but again...with my diminished ovarian reserve time is of the essence.

I feel like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I wish life could be struggle-free and someone else could worry about money and jobs and all that stuff. I guess I felt like life should be easy for us...at least for a little while...But, there is no karmic arbiter that balances out rough times with good times.

Tonight we went to the park with my son. We fought with stick "swords." We laughed as my husband wore bunny ears. A dear friend dropped off some flowers and a warm hug. Baby Girl spent the evening laughing and flirting with us. We may not have a job right now...but we have so much more that matters.

Time Flies By

And then my precious girl was 3 months old. I seriously could stare at this picture for hours on end. It just melts my heart. My husband told me I am obsessed. He even caught me looking at it in the middle of the night after a feeding. I just keep thinking...this time last year...you were an egg...you were one of six eggs...one of four mature eggs...one of two viable embryos...and now you are my baby girl.

Aside from my obsession with this photo, things are going well. Josie is still refusing to take a bottle...which has me concerned about the 200+ bags of milk I have amassed in the past three months. I am hopeful that when my mother-in-law comes for her spring break in April (she's a teacher) we can really focus on the bottle-feeding...like maybe not feed her UNLESS she eats from the bottle. Fun times for my mother-in-law She was sleeping REALLY well for a couple of weeks...only getting up at 4/5/6 am to eat and then sleeping until 7/8 am...but she's started getting up around 2:45/3 am and then 5:30 am the past week and it kind of sucks. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm hoping that she'll start sleeping again soon. I've tried rocking and pacifying her at the 2:45/3am wake up, but she wants the boob and nothing else will do.

I'm reigning in my initial "to do" list...and with only a couple more tasks to complete...I'm finding my vigor vanishing...I think I am afraid of actually starting the conversation with myself about my career. The easy thing to do is to keep doing what I do. It's a flexible job. It pays well (I'm not raking in the cash, but it more than justifies the cost of two kids in daycare). I just am afraid of not having a job to define myself outside of being a mother. I am afraid of being wrong again about who I am and what I should do with my life as this time it would have financial consequences for not just me...When I chose my grad school, I was on the fence about it and had a full scholarship and stipend...so it was essentially free. This time there would be the cost of grad school, childcare, wages lost, etc. But, I can't imagine continuing to do what I am currently doing for the next 30 years until retirement. Something needs to change, but I am to afraid to make the leap.

In other news, I'm in my 2nd week of regularly going to the track. I'm pretty out of shape. I'm no where near my splits or prior pace, but after taking two years off of training I shouldn't expect to be. My coach keeps asking me if I am going to train for another marathon and whether I'm "done with the kid thing." He says it jokingly, but I know he's serious. I guess I'm struggling to understand where running fits in my life. I want to run to stay fit. I want to be fast. But, I don't want to have my life dictated by a marathon training schedule...nor do I want to be gone for four hour training runs every Sunday. I trained really hard for Boston 2010...only to finish 20 seconds faster than I did in Richmond 2009. I guess my mentality is that I'm never going to qualify for the Olympics...I could train my butt off for years on end and maybe never meet that goal (for the record, I would have to shave 13 minutes off my marathon time...that's 30 seconds per mile). I don't know if that is even realistic to think about. SO...if I can't qualify for the Olympics...than what am I training for? And, the answer currently seems to be...to be fit, to have fun with other running geeks, and to test my mettle. I don't need to run a marathon to do that. A running partner pointed out the other day that I don't need to decide NOW whether I want to try and qualify for the Olympics. I still have four more years until the next trial. I think I'll just train for shorter races the next year and see.

And, the whole "to try or not to try" is still up in the air. I have an appointment with the RE to discuss next steps...or if it is even worth trying in mid-April.

Question: I signed up for the Resolve Advocacy Day....but seeing as Baby Girl won't take a bottle....I will likely have to take her with me for the day. Do you think that is really insensitive to the other women participating in the event? I would have hate me...."flaunting" my baby. Do you think I should just push it off until next year so that I don't have to worry about Baby Girl?

$1,100

We just got a bill in the mail from the NJ clinic where we have one embryo on ice. My husband and I have been going back and forth about what to do with the embryo. I want to continue to freeze it with the intention of using it for a FET sometime this year. I know there is a very high (probably near 99.9%) likelihood that embryo will never turn into a take-home baby. But, I can't give up hope...even though I know it was only a 4-cell on day 3 and the gorgeous blasts that proceded it didn't turn into babies. I just can't give up on it. I don't know why. My intention is to use the last two cycles of IVF that we have 50% coverage for under my insurance, the FET with this last embryo, and...maybe a couple of IUIs (for which we would have 50% coverage) until Jan 2013. At that point....maybe I will want to call it quits. Or, maybe I will switch to a different insurance plan where I would have some coverage again.

In our talks about a third child, I am often drawn to adoption. I've never closed my heart to this option and sometimes feel that we have been given so much in life that we should give back to a child that could use our love. But...sometimes I wonder if we would pass the "inspection" of a home study. We aren't a perfect family or a perfect marriage. I get nervous that we would be found to be insufficient. I don't know whether I am too idealistic and think that adoption would be a beautiful way to CHOSE to end our fertility journey...to chose not to get on the crazy IVF train again. I wish I could say that my husband and I agreed about adoption, but he feels strongly that biological children should be our first choice and we should exhaust that alternative before we turn to adoption if we decide we really want a third child.

Sigh. Every day this is what I think about. It is exhausting. I wish I could just make a decision about our next steps.

Don't worry, though. Every day, I also soak in my smiling girl's face and am so thankful that she is here.