On Sunday, I cried. I sat on the sofa, curled in the fetal position, and spent most of the day regretting my life.
By mid-afternoon, my husband was sick of it. He wanted to move forward. Make decisions. He even pulled out his white board to map out our next steps.
I wanted to mourn. Somehow try to get the loss in my soul to leak out with the tears. Be in my moment of misery.
We fought. I didn't understand why he wouldn't allow me this time to be sad. He didn't understand why I had to dwell on things we can't change. I made him leave the house. He came back with two cupcakes, hugged me, and we agreed to allow each other to process our grief in our own ways.
Today we met with our RE. He said that he gives us a 10-15% chance of IVF working. He doesn't believe that we have an implantation issue, but said that he would do another endometrial biopsy to ensure that the endometritis is gone. He doesn't think that a hysteroscopy is necessary, because I didn't have any signs of lesions or the like in my hysterosonogram. He doesn't believe in immune issues and holds that if these were a problem, then we wouldn't have been able to conceive my son.
He does believe that we may have a genetic issue which may be causing the lower quality embryos. He doesn't know if the source of the problem is the eggs, the sperm, or both. He wants us to do one last "hail mary" cycle up at Reproduct.ive Me.dicine A.ssociates (RMA) in New Jersey. He said they can do same day PGD to see if the embryos are normal. If the embryos are normal and don't implant OR if the embryos are not normal, then he thinks we should move on to donor eggs/sperm/embryos or adoption. He said that this way, we would have closure as to the root cause of our problem. Also, he said we could do an experiment with donor eggs/sperm to see whether the problem was the eggs or the sperm, but this probably wouldn't be covered by insurance (I have to look into this). This is probably cost-prohibitive though....
So, next Thursday, I have an appointment at RMA. Anyone out there know anything about RMA? They seem to have pretty good statistics and I have found some on-line groups with positive reviews. Do you think I should drive there for the appointment? It's about 4 hours away from where we live. I am leaning towards driving there to get a feel for the doctor and be available for any necessary testing. The best news is that my insurance plan covers cycles at his clinic.
We're also moving forward with adoption. We have our first homestudy interview this Friday.
I am trying to keep myself motivated and attached....but I feel this deep grief that befuddles my mind. I keep repeating: I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is my life.
I just want the pain to be over. To know where we are going, how much money we are going to spend, and that...at the end of it all...we will find some peace and happiness.
I wish someone could give me that. Someone could hold me and comfort me and tell me that all will be OK in the world. But, no one can promise me that. Life is suffering. There is no avoiding it.
Hi RunningMama, i'm so sorry for you having to go through this again - but, as painful as it is, by slowly crossing out possibilities you are getting closer to finding out where your happiness lies - with donor eggs/sperm/embryos or adoption if the hail Mary cycle; after the Hail Mary cycle IF it doesn't work out, you know it's onto the next step. You WILL have another child and he/she will bring you so much happiness regardless of the financial cost....thinking of you
ReplyDeletei have heard nothing but good things about RMA and i am in NJ...what office are you going to?
ReplyDeletei can't tell you how sorry i am that this last cycle didn't work and ended on such a shitty note. i was hoping for you so much.
we are also planning to move ahead with adoption asap, though we don't quite have the $ for it now.
like i said, i am in NJ. maybe we can meet up eventually.
xoxo
lis
p.s. my first clinic was Cooper and the doctor in charge there, Dr. Jerome Check was amazing. he will take all the time in the world with you and give you tons of research and studies he has published himself. he is a PHD and is very cerebral about ART. might be worth checking out...ccivf.com.
ReplyDeletehe got me pregnant :)
xoxo
lis
I echo your sentiment about "I can't believe this is my life." I can scarcely believe some days that we're coming up on SIX YEARS trying to build a family and still have zippo. But, it does sound like you have a plan and a plan is a good thing. I've heard good things about RMA and it's awesome you have insurance coverage!! I'm wishing it was easier right now, I know how tough those dark days can be.
ReplyDeleteRunningMama. I wish I could offer comfort. But you're also entitled to feel grief right now. It's so hard to move forward when you're still mourning ... and a day doesn't feel like enough time to me. It's wonderful that you have the homestudy visit coming up, and I, too, have heard good things about RMA (you'll have to wave as you go by ... I think I'm on your way there) ... but I hope that you'll give yourself time to feel what you are feeling. Life *is* suffering ... but life is also joy. I hope that next year brings you more of the second.
ReplyDelete*hug*
ohhh!!! i just wrote a very similar post, about not really believing this is my life. ya know? i totally get it... i like your idea of 'one, last hail mary cycle..' that's fantastic that you have insurance coverage.
ReplyDeletei'm sending you strength and hope that you will find your peace soon. and mine too :-)
I can totally feel the pain in your "voice." I am so so sorry. These things just SUCK... and "suck" is putting it midly. And it makes it so hard when our DH's deal with things so differently. Try to hang in there and just take one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteSo I don't know anything about RMA, but I do know a decent amount about PGD. I am kinda confused about why you have to go to another center to do PGD. My RE/IVF Center doesn't do PGD testing there, but it seems like no big deal to have them to the biopsy and send the cells off to another lab to do the PGD analysis. Maybe they don't do PGD biopsies at your IVF Clinic and that's why they are recommending you do your whole cycle there???
Regardless, I would definitely recommend meeting with them. I actually explored another RE where they did PGD onsite and even though i stuck with my current RE, I learned a lot by talking to someone different. Plus, it never hurts to get another person thinking about your situation who may think of something else your current RE didn't think of.
One other small point (as if this isn't long enough!) I have a friend that has a chromosome issue (balanced translocation). She had a little girl and only realized there was a problem when she went to have her 2nd. She had miscarriage after miscarriage and finally they diagnosed the translocation through karyotyping. She did IVF w/ PGD and now has a 2nd beautiful daughter. So, just because you had your son doesn't necessarily mean there isn't something else going on. It could have been that all the stars were aligned at that time.
Good luck! Sending you hugs and wishes for clarity and brighter days.
I can completely relate to the repeating over and over, "I can't believe this is my life." I have been doing a lot of it this past week.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for moving forward with the hail mary and adoption. I have heard some mixed results on PGD, but do what makes the most sense for you.
I think our reasons for lack of success are the same, by the way. And I am electing out of the testing as there is no real way to help the problem scientifically. But... we have less money to spend. So who knows. I can say I relate though that these kind of problems are devastating. I am so glad your son was born despite these difficulties.
My docs are not believers in the immune issues either. I want to believe them, I do.
Hugs to you.
I wish I could give you comfort that makes the grief bearable. But I'm finding that there really isn't much that gets you through the pain. Just time, really.
ReplyDeleteI do believe, though, that you will come to some place of acceptance at some point.
I'm just sorry it isn't now.
And I will have my fingers crossed for you.
Maybe 2011 will be the year where we have to cut back on our runs for a better reason than swollen ovaries.
Hugs sweetie.
xoxo
you definitely are allowed to deal with this in your own way. your feelings are justified and you need to have the space to feel them and deal with them so you can look ahead. you have to trust deep down that this won't be your life for ever. just for now. and soon things will change. there is hope and i'm hoping so hard for you!
ReplyDeletei think you need a 2nd opinion, stat. why wouldn't he do a hysteroscopy JUST TO SEE? what can it hurt to cover all of your bases? my clinic has a NJ branch too and (obviously since i had everything under the sun done) they're big on extra testing and they do PGD. SIRM is the clinic. not sure how close that is to RMA but it could be worth exploring.
thinking of you. hugs.
I think it's hard for guys to truly appreciate what we go through, how deep the anxiety and pain runs, how barely a moment goes by that we are NOT thinking about this, and how badly we need to mourn, especially when we have to work so hard to be hopeful. Sending you strength and hugs as you try to move forward, I know how hard it is.
ReplyDeletei love that you pulled out your whiteboard too! yeah blogger soulmates :-) looking forward to hearing what they say at R.M.A. as for the probability weighted cost, its just that if you have a decision tree like i do, then each branch had a probabilty of success, so you multiply the cost of that line of the branch by probabilty of it working and then add it up for example. if i have ivf success vs failure and then failure leads to donor eggs... and the probability of success of ivf = 10% and failure = 90%... then the total probability weighted cost = 10% * (cost of ivf) + 90% (cost of ivf + cost of donor eggs, since we'd have to go down that route if the ivf failed).... makes sense?
ReplyDeleteHey RunningMama! Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. I also wanted to tell you that I gave you a blog award. Hoping this bring just a bit of cheer.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your recent comments! How did the adoption homestudy interview go last Friday? i am interested to hear about the process. I keep debating about attending an information meeting. I put it on my calendar and then can't bring myself to go. Are you still planning to go to your appt at RMA on Thurs?
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say I shared an award with you. Thank you for being a part of my journey!
ReplyDeletehttp://asfastasmybabycan.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-first-award-cherries.html
Just found you through Kathleen at As Fast as My Baby Can. It's great that you and your husband were able to agree to let each other grieve in the way that you want to. My husband has a hard time understanding why I grieve the way I do (and when) and I would say I have the same problem with him (mostly what I see as a lack of grieving). Anyhow, we're trying to give each other the ability to do as we will and not to judge. Good luck with PGD. We were set up to do PGD this cycle but ended up with only one embryo so didn't want to pay all that money to biopsy just one (and it wouldn't have given us much of a statistical sample anyhow.) I do very much hope it works for you.
ReplyDelete